A Meditation On Elves

Thanks to this whole Lord Of The Rings whackiness, every girl and her aunt now has a thing about Elves, this has left most males utterly bemused. “But Elves are pansies!” they protest. “They look like girls, wear green long johns and prance around the forest like a bunch’a Nancy Boys! I don’t get it! Hell, Mr. Spock has pointy ears, how come with the exception of trek girls most females don’t think he’s cool?!? And he’s far cooler than Elves, he’s got that crazy Vulcan nerve pinch, what gives?!?”

Fellow holders of the Y chromosome, here is your answer:

Style And Romance.

I think most females, even if it’s only for 5 minutes of their childhood, go through a phase of absolute Love For Magic. This usually manifests in the incubation stages of the illness as a fondness for unicorns that eventually, if left untreated, will lead to unicorn posters, the collection of lead or pewter figurines depicting wizards, castles and yes, Elves. Once it hits the Elf stage, real guys just don’t measure up. A quick comparison of the Real Man to the Real Elf reveals these alarming facts.

Real Man: Lives to be about 70

Real Elf: Lives to see the next species killing asteroid hit the Earth

Real Man: Camps in forest with tent and makes girlfriend gut the fish, with blunt bowie knife not actually used since his boy scout days.

Real Elf: At one with nature, lives in magnificent tree palaces or other architectural wonders, and can bend the forces of nature to his whim to a certain degree.

Real Man: Plays Everquest to the exclusion of all else. (Amendment: Real Geek Man)

Real Elf: Can cast spells without having to subscribe for $9.90 a month, and doesn’t need a cable connection to do it.

Real Man: Plays Dungeons & Dragons (See previous amendment)

Real Elf: Kills dragons.

Real Man: Interested in sports, cars and drinking.

Real Elf: Interested in romance, enchantment and all manner of wooing and drama.

Real Man: Forgets birthdays and anniversaries.

Real Elf: Senses your needs before you even know you have them.

Real Man: Belches.

Real Elf: Croons.

Real Man: Gets fat.

Real Elf: Gets better with time.

Geez, is it any wonder that women would rather spend time with someone named “Legolas” than “Buck”?