It’s My Fault Inc.

Lately it has come to my attention that there is an extremely lucrative and profitable area of the market that has, until now, gone largely ignored and unexploited. That area is Scapegoats.

I don’t know why I never saw this before. But it seems to me that there is a market out there that can be mercilessly exploited because human nature, in all its adorability, never wants to own up to its own fuck ups, and has a desperate need to push the bad karma on someone else to keep the Victim Fiction going. I foresee an agency that operates off the pimp/hooker/escort service business model:

IMF: Good afternoon, It’s My Fault.

Client: Yes, I need a scapegoat this evening.

IMF: Excellent choice sir, have you used our service before?

C: No, this is my first time.

IMF: Then perhaps you should answer some questions ahead of time so that we can better cater our service to you. Would you prefer a male or a female scapegoat?

C: Male.

IMF: Would that be an articulate male, or a strong silent type?

C: Talkative. Very. Oh and contrite and guilty, I want VERY guilt-stricken.

IMF: I see. Any preferences for appearances? Stylish or fashion crime victim?

C: More of an… an artsey type, I guess. Someone that pretends to be substantial.

IMF: Yes, I think I can see where this is headed. Will this be for a single or multiple blame scenario?

C: Um… multiple. I’ve been saving up my issues.

IMF: Thank you sir. I think we have just the man for you. Will this be cash or credit card?

C: Is C.O.D acceptable?

IMF: Yes, it is, but should you decide to cancel your appointment less than a half-hour before commencement, there will be a penalty fee.

C: I understand, that’s fine. Would 9:00 pm tonight be all right?

IMF: You’re in luck sir, we had a cancellation at the White House, so I think our man will be available for you. Thank you for using It’s My Fault. Have a cathartic evening.

[Later, at roughly 9:00 pm...]

C: [Answering the door] Er… come in.

Me: Hey. [Looks around, lets out low whistle of appreciation] Niiiiiice place.

C: Thanks. I have to give it up in three months. Want a drink?

Me: Yeah, thanks, gin and tonic will be fine. Why do you have to give it up?

C: [Pauses as ice tinkles into glass, the only sound in the deadly silence. He comes over and hands the glass] It’s part of the divorce settlement.

Me: Oh. I’m… I’m sorry.

C: WELL YOU SHOULD BE, SHOULDN’T YOU?!? AFTER ALL, YOU TOOK HER AWAY FROM ME, YOU TRAITOROUS FUCK…

Me: [Getting into IMF Mode] God, you’re right… I’m sorry, I… I just couldn’t help it. I was just so jealous of you. I… I wanted to hurt you somehow.

C: I KNEW IT! FUCK I KNEW IT! ALL THOSE PRETTY WORDS, ALL THAT SO CALLED “SUBSTANCE”, ALL THAT TALK ABOUT HOW YOU UNDERSTOOD HER BETTER THAN I DID… WHO CAN LIKE “BEACHES” ANYWAY?!? IT’S A DUMB MOVIE! THIS WASN’T ABOUT HER AT ALL, WAS IT?!? THIS WAS ALL ABOUT GETTING TO ME!!

Me: Yes! Yes, I admit it! I didn’t even love her! I could never love her the way you could love someone, but I felt so small and weak compared to you that I had to do something… I was so jealous of you… It was all I could do… And even though she didn’t deserve your love, you gave it, and I knew I couldn’t exploit your weaknesses, you don’t have any, so… so…

C: You little manipulative prick… You exploited her.

Me: YEEEEEEEEES!! Yes, it’s true! All of it!

C: AND THE JOB TOO?!? YOU GOT ME FIRED?!? I’VE NEVER BEEN AN INCOMPETENT OR NEGLIGENT EXECUTIVE, THAT WAS YOU TOO, WASN’T IT?!?

Me: Yes! It was! I… I forged the documents, I started the rumor mill, I worked up the others against you!

C: YOU SET THAT SECRETARY UP TO SEDUCE ME IN THE COPY ROOM, DIDN’T YOU?!?

Me: Oh God, you know about that too… I told her-

C: Him.

Me: [Blinking rapidly] It was a HE?

C: [Nods]

Me: [Shrugging]… YEEEEEEES!! I TOLD HIM TO MAKE YOU LOOK AS BAD AS POSSIBLE! I WANTED TO HURT YOU FOR BEING SO MUCH MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ME! [Gets on knees and heaves shoulders up and down] I TOLD HIM ABOUT YOUR FONDNESS FOR SLIM-

C: Fat.

Me: -WHATEVER! BODIES, AND HOW IT WOULD DESTROY YOUR REPUTATION IN THE OFFICE AND FINALLY BRING YOU THE RUIN THAT YOU NEVER DESERVED BUT THAT I WANTED BECAUSE I WAS PETTY AND JEALOUS! IT’S TRUE, ALL OF IT! IT WAS ME, ME, MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! OH GOD I’M SORRY!

C: [Rolling up sleeves] And now I’m going to kick your sorry ass… for ruining everythi-

Me: [Standing up and getting brusque and buisness-like] Hold it.

C: [Blinking] Huh?

Me: While physical violence is included in our list of services, there’s an extra charge, depending on the severity. What would you be looking at in court for something like this?

C: Um… Assault and Battery?

Me: Hm… That’ll be an extra $2,000.

C: I don’t have the cash on me.

Me: [Whipping out electronic wireless credit card reader] Do you have Visa or Mastercard?

C: [Pulls out Visa]

Me: [Scans and confirms] Right. Where were we? Oh yeah, NOOOOOO!!! PLEAAAAAAAAAASE!!!

C: This is sweet SWEET justice you little shit…

Me: Aigh! Argh! Oh! The pain! The pain I deserve for doing this! The- HEY! WHAT THE FUCK??!!

C: What?

Me: This is “It’s My Fault”, not “It’s My Ass”. You want that, call a gay escort service.

C: Sorry. Got a little carried away.

Me: Try not to do it in my pants, okay? I’m professional for God’s sake. CHRIST…

C: Sorry. Anyway.

Me: Right. ARGH! OH HOW I DESERVE THIS! IT’S MY FAULT! IT’S ALL MY FAUUUUUUULT…