DOA Extreme Slut Wrestling

Having been suddenly denied my chance to play the Beach Volleyball game, my mind, after a few curious questions from the girlfriend, turned towards other topics that might also be suitable for one-handed videogame playing goodness. The most obvious one was wrestling; combining the ludicrously revealing aesthetic of bikinis and upping it a notch with a healthy dose of raunchiness and sexual/lesbian subtext, with the incredibly tactile combat of wrapping one’s body around another’s body in compromising positions, I’m convinced that if Team Ninja were to seriously pursue this goal, they would rake in the dollars faster than a pole dancer at a stag party.

All the cute/adorable, Amazonian and Cruel Mistress favorites from DOA Extreme Beach Volleyball would find a new audience of pathetic souls like me as they go through the sweaty gyrations of trying to get each other on the floor and submit to defeat. I figure the game could have various modes:

1. Story Championship Title Mode:

Each hottie, with their backstory that no one cares about, is fuelled by various reasonable motivations to vie for title of champeen, such as one of the other wrestlers burned down their house with their entire family in it (Thus, they have no recourse but to go for champ title, it just makes sense, doesn’t it?), they are training to become chief of their ninja clan, or they are dancers who feel they would learn some great moves by winning the tournament. Over a series of gruelling matches with a variety of opponents, the blonde hot chick, the Japanese hot chick, the Scottish hot chick, the Black hot chick, the 80′s Flashdance hot chick with off-shoulder shirt and of course, the leather hot chick, the participants literally wrestle with their own pointless back story motivation and the opponent before them. Because this is Story Mode, cinemas briefly introduce and conclude each match with such stirring exchanges as:

Ninja Chick: You are in my way. I have no quarrel with you, but the hot chick that burned down the house with my entire clan it is somewhere in the final matches and I must get through you to get her. Gomensai.

Scottish Chick: Och, you got such a wee skirt, what kind’a nancy girl arr yuu?

Ninja Chick: SUPER HOT CHICK ULTIMATE SLUT MOVE SCISSOR KICK! HAAAAIII!!!

(Round ends with Ninja Chick enacting finishing move of an Atomic Piledriver using only her thighs)

Scottish Chick: Ach! I canna’ believe it! Ye’ve bested me with yuir slooty ninja she-devil majik!

Ninja Chick: You fought with honor. Here is your breast back.

Scottish Chick: ACH!

2. Mud Wrestling Mode:

Since videogame consoles seem to have mastered particle physics in real time, mud wrestling seems a natural. Two hot chicks literally get down and dirty in the mud pit, slinging wet dirt and sliding all over each other like epileptic snakes at a disco boogaloo. Accompanied by hard driving techno and Gary Numan tracks.

3. Jell-O Mode:

Particle physics with transparent cubes of rainbow goodness! Referee-ed by none other than Bill Cosby himself!

Bill: Ninja slut wins! Hey, hey, hey!

Ninja Chick: I fought with honor, give me a pudding pop.

Bill: Got’cher pudding pop right here… [ZIIIIP]

Ninja Chick: EH?!? NANDAIO?!?

Bill: It’s chocolate, baby. Your favorite.

4. Wet T-Shirt Mode:

Not exactly a wet t-shirt match the whole way through, instead our hot slut wrestlers duke it out in t-shirts that cover their bodies for the most part, with the loser being subjected to the most heinous punishment of getting dunked. The conundrum for game designers will be trying to circumvent the intentional lameness of players who are determined that their girl shall lose the fight and get dunked. Instead of the usual victory pose, they cut to the “defeat cinema” where the POV shot of the water racing towards the girl clearly conveys her Hentai-esque fear of her fate, cutting to a Matrix style slo-mo rotation as the water hits her body and humiliates her by plastering the soaked cotten across her nubile form. 235 possible camera angles are already in position for players to conveniently jump to, with a replay and record mode for those exceptionally “bad” defeats. Perverted Gamers Monthly gives this feature 5 tissue wads out of 5!

5. Cat Fight Mode:

Two opponents square off in cute little full body, nylon/lycra cat suits, complete with tails and ears. Then proceed to beat the living hell out of each other. As the match ensues, the various grabs and holds take large, large chunks of material off the combatants’ bodies, as they meow and claw their way to victory. Special moves gained from the suit include the Super Fuzzy Vibrating Tail attack, and the dreaded Lycra Strangle Hold. If both opponents are rendered completely naked, it’s considered a Double Victory, and the audience wins!

6. The Pole Match Mode:

The combatants face each other down in a ring with no ropes or buckles, only two poles suspended between a disco ball. Utilizing balloons, stiletto heels and fluffy bunny tails and ears, the vicious opponents swing, slide, and thrust themselves from the poles, losing many articles of clothing in the process and occasionally receiving help from the crowd in the form of $20 bills folded like shuriken that they toss at their opponent. When a combatant’s power meter reaches “Full,” a super bonus attack is made available, randomly selected and tossed out by the crowd as either a banana or a ping pong ball that is hurled, cannon-like, at lethal velocities from the genitalia. Should an opponent be finished by this move, a slow motion defeat cinema is shown, followed by the coveted “Me Love You Long Time” victory cinema.

Man, I’m a genius…