It’s Official: MOM Is Senile…
Bedtime will not arrive until the Singnet guys come over to inspect our line which has been giving us sporadic internet connection for the last week or so.
In the meantime, I am posting this in the wake of the latest visit to MOM.
MOM is senile. I am sure that is the official diagnosis now. There are many reasons that have led me to this conclusion, but the guiltiest parties are a parade of chronically recurring symptoms that are only worsening with time:
1) Chronic forgetfulness
MOM: What was your name again?
Me: It’s me! Wayne! Don’t you remember? I was just here two weeks ago!
MOM: Really?
Me: Yes! I’ve been coming here for weeks now! Don’t you remember? The application? The delay? Don’t you remember any of it?
MOM: Just tell me what your name is again, and we’ll look into it.
Me: AUGH!
2) Chronic Amazement
Me: I’m telling you, I haven’t gotten any word on the application yet.
MOM: But that’s IMPOSSIBLE! It’s only supposed to take 10 days!
Me: You said that already. Two weeks ago, and two weeks before that, AND before that.
MOM: Wow! Really?!?
Me: Yes.
MOM: REALLY?!? WOW!
Me: AUGH!
3) Chronic Stupidity
Me: Look, I need an extension for this passport again.
MOM: But why?
Me: ‘Cause my two weeks are up.
MOM: But how could that be?
Me: Well, there’s this thing, it’s brand new, just hit the market, it’s called a “linear timestream.” That means that one second passes. Then… another second passes. And another and another! Eventually you have a whole piles of seconds that, when totalled to 60, is called a minute. Sixty of those are called an hour and 24 of those are days. 7 of those are weeks, and two of mine have elapsed, so stamp me.
MOM: But you’ve already got a stamp for extension here.
Me: [Icily] Gee willikers, how ’bout that? Where do you suppose that came from?
MOM: Hey, this is my stamp!
Me: Well stick me in a dress and call me Sally, so it is…
MOM: How come it hasn’t been approved yet?
Me: I was hoping you could answer that.
MOM: Well, we’ll look into it. What was your name again?
Me: AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! KILL ME NOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The short form of that rant being that yes, the passport has been stamped in utter confusion, and yes, it will be looked into again.
MOM… I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re old. It’s time. Either go to the retirement home and spend your days mumbling about application forms to the geraniums in the corner, or get someone to take you out into the backyard and put you out of your misery like a well-loved but half-blind, stone-deaf sheepdog well past it’s prime. You can’t dance the Charleston anymore and, by the way, the Germans lost both World Wars so shut up about the Kaiser and that young Adolf troublemaker in Berlin. It’s over. Just deal.