I’m A Mutant, He’s A Mutant, They’re All Mutants, She’s A Mutant, Wouldn’t You Like To Be A Mutant Too?!?

Or:

Excelsior!

[Please note: No clever usage of the letter "X" will appear whatsoever throughout the course of this rant]

And anyone who doesn’t understand that didn’t read Marvel comics on a regular basis, for the better half of their childhood. Or maybe only read the comic itself and none of the ancillary stuff like Fightin’ Stan Lee throwing out another diatribe from the depths of the Marvel Bullpen.

Today’s rant is the inevitable opinion on the first salvo in the summer geek war, X2: X-Men United. Otherwise known as double the mutants, double the fun, double x, double x, mutant bubble gum. Or something to that effect…

[Please note: Clever usage of letter "X" still absent as promised]

Now, I’ve been following the chronicles of the X-Men since I was in the single digit age range. I’ve even been reviewing the trade paperback compilations of their adventures very recently. My classic take on the X-Men will always be the amazing Claremont/Byrne run of the 80’s with the still unsurpassed for pure tragic heroism Dark Phoenix saga. On the glitzier side, the mid 90’s run of the X-Men with Claremont still writing and Jim Lee pencilling his ludicrously detailed tech and Unbelievably Hot Ass Chicks ™ is still forever embedded in my mind, if only because Claremont and Lee took ultra-lame Betsy Braddock (ie, “Psylocke”) and turned her into the single hottest (And let’s be realistic, ONLY) psychic ninja on the block. Psylocke can stick me with that psychic knife (”The totality of my psychic abilities!” as she said, EVERY. FUCKING. TIME that she used it…) any day of the week. Twice on Sundays.

But I digress.

[What's Missing? Oh, I know, the annoying usage of the letter "X" in a badly conceived pun!]

There’s stll no psychic ninja goodness to be found in Bryan Singer’s latest installment of everyone’s favorite angst-ridden team of mutants, but all the hysteria and subtlety (In this case, subtlety is defined as anything from a slight hint to being run over by a Mac Truck 12 times while Mariah Carey sings the end song of Glitter) of their alienation/prejudice themes are in full swing.

The movie makes the relatively safe bet that viewers are either A) familiar with the X-Men titles (Now available in regular chocolate/vanilla/strawberry flavors and new “Ultimate” flavors for “reimagining” enthusiasts!) or B) watched the first film. Anyone who somehow escaped from Vietnam after all these years and is only now coming to grips with the internet and Japanese companies owning American ones will be sorely confused by this film as it refuses to bring new inductees up to speed on where things are going, and assumes some kind of foreknowledge of the franchise. Like the hotly anticipated (And for my money, only reason to live anymore) sequel to Lord Of The Rings, you don’t get any “Previously on the X-Men” to ease you in. Singer knows that we want to get into the meat of the picture and he throws a bucket of gravy at us right from the start to sweeten the deal.

[Wow! I can't find any annoying X-Puns anywhere! What a refreshing change!]

There are quite a few parallels between Lord Of The Rings and what Singer seems to be attempting with the X-Men cinematic franchise. Not the least of which is attempting to chronicle the coming of a great war, except whereas LOTR is high fantasy about the alliance of men, elves, dwarves and others against the forces of Sauron and Saruman, the X-Men are all about the coming war between Homo Sapiens and what some mutants have christened “Homo Superior” and whether or not coexistence, conquest or annihilation is the answer. Like LOTR, a conflict of sorts had to be created to resolve the first installment and give the audience some sense of closure and forward movement, but let’s not kid ourselves, Fellowship was an exercise in set-up, though it did it beautifully, whereas the X-Men was merely fun and, at best, Pretty Good. The remaining stories (I refer to them as stories rather than films/books, since it’s just more convenient that way) are the true meat of the series where all the scope, scale and epic majesty of the tales really comes into play. The X-Men seem to be going the same route, with the next gear being switched up for this sequel and a grander scale of things. Now that the stage is set, now that we understand Xavier, the school, his ethos, and now that we understand Magneto, his brotherhood and his ethos, and now that we understand that humans are essentially American and heart and out to completely eradicate anything with the slightest deviation from American (Ie, “Real Americans don’t shoot lasers out of their eyes, even if it is to save American children… they must be terrorists, let’s smoke ‘em…”), we are now ready to tackle whatever it is that Singer has in store, or, to be more precise, which of the storyline(s), a wealth of which are available to him since the X-Men has been running since the 60’s, he plans to adapt to the screen. The war is coming, and it looks like Singer means to film a piece of the action.

[Maybe the annoying "X"-Pun is here under the couch. No? I'll be damned, it's just NOT HERE!]

All the Old Guard is back, and, as expected, Cyclops fares least well of all, once again seeming quite ineffective in terms of characterization compared to the others. Storm does much better this time around, but I suspect that that’s because when you have an Oscar winning performer on your hands, you don’t just look odd anymore giving her dumb lines, you look pretty darn stupid.

Most puzzling of all for me however is the almost mathematical inversion of Wolverine’s characterization. In the first film he was all attitude and supreme bad assness as he walked around and scowled at everyone, being a mean hombre who hinted that he was the best there is at what he does and what he does isn’t very nice. However, when crunch time came, he usually ended up getting kicked around, or, more disappointingly, striking a cool pose once in while, but being essentially underwhelming in the fight sequences. Now in X-2, we see a Wolverine who is essentially a wuss trying to act like a tough guy, and then the fighting starts and he begins to kick so many different kinds of holy ass that I swear to God the apostles are all moaning in agony in heaven. Now he SHOWS us why he’s the best there is at what he does, and it really, REALLY isn’t very nice, but fuck is it ever cool… How can someone who behaves so lame be such a lethal killer? And how in the first movie could someone who seemed so intimidating be so useless in a fight? What happened Bryan? Better yet, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FIND THE BALANCE?!?

Cinematography is slick and functional and looks good, yet still somehow leaves me cold. My opinion that The Crow is still the best comic book to film ever made still stands. Alex Proyas is The Man, and Singer could still afford to take a few notes from him on how to compose and light a set. Or Fincher for that matter, since Fincher is more productive than Proyas at the moment and his cinematography never fails to stun and amaze. From a performance perspective, there’s NOTHING bad about the performances (One particular Cyclops bit of dialogue towards the end excepting, that scored high on the Cringe-o-meter…), and yet, there’s nothing really GREAT either. Again, I remember Brandon Lee’s anguished and vengeful performance in The Crow, and find this wanting in comparison. True, it’s not supposed to be a dark, brooding meditation on love, death and vengeance, but there is passion and emotion here, and while it hits the mark, it never exceeds it. From an effects point of view, there’s little to complain about. It’s a big budget film and every dollar shows up on the screen. There’s not a single lousy effects shot in the entire film, it’s all breathtakingly cool and high on multiple “Wow” factor, though purists may balk at Nightcrawler’s teleportation no longer being a smokey, brimstone-y cloud followed by the signature “BAMF!” that was the air rushing in to fill the space he no longer occupied. Instead an almost ethereal, misty/ghosty effect is supplied that makes you think of an accelerated acid trippy trails effect, but on a higher budget.

[Boy, I sure don't miss those lame attempts at cleverness through pointless letter "X" usage...]

For the comic geeks, there are plenty of winks and nods, from a quick shot of good ol’ Beastie (Pre-blue furry form) to the liberal cameos of other Mutie Scum goodness in the ranks of Xavier’s school. Once again, purists who balk at even the slightest deviation from their comic with no understanding whatsoever of the logistics of scripting, pacing, or even what is actually physically possible in real life will always find something to be mad about here, but for the more reasonable of us who understand the constraints and freedoms of film making, we let it slide, ’cause hey, it’s a movie, not a comic book. Changes MUST be made. And for the most part, the spirit of the comic book prevails. I strongly emphasize at this point that the X-Men has ALWAYS been about prejudice and thinly disguised metaphors for hatred of any kind be it racial, sexual or religious and that this film is not capitalizing on the 9-11 mood or subsequent response of America to things not Christian. These themes have ALWAYS been in the comic books and are about as timely and current event-y as birth or death. This isn’t social commentary about current events. Get over it and stop making assumptions…

[Dear Diary: I read a blog entry about the X-Men with no stupid X-Puns! It was GREAT!]

This was a very good movie. I don’t think it’s the greatest comic to film translation ever done, and I still find many problems with it (Since my personal prejudice is characterization, ensemble pictures are always problematic for me, as, understandably, character development must suffer for the greater good…) It’s a popcorn film in the best sense of the word that manages to inject some useful ideas/themes about people, Other People and why they hate each other. I’ll dutifully buy the DVD, and I’ll watch it once in a while, but it comes nowhere near entering my personal pantheon of Oh My God I Love This Movie, and I’ll probably look back on it with foggy but benevolent reminiscence when it’s all said and done. But it’s loud, brash and fun, and a good start to a summer that is ridiculously crammed with high profile films. I feel that it was a bad idea to stick in the Matrix trailer before this movie as I kept watching these action sequences and wishing I were already watching the Brothers Wachoski’s latest spectacle, but all in good time. You won’t be disappointed but you wont’ have your life or your conceptions of film making changed either. That’s still up to Tolkien and the Brothers Wachowski. Or it is for me, anyway…

In short, it’s an x-cellent x-travaganza full of x-citement and x-cessiveness that’s well worth your $X dollars!

[AGH! I WAS SO CLOSE...]