Oh The Irony…

In a fitting twist, just when when I am glad to finally have a life, it becomes much more appealing to NOT have one again.

By this I mean that my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for gaming is frothing at the mouth to find an IV, a catheter tube and some nice diapers, and plug into Star Wars Galaxies: An Empire Divided, the new Massively-Multiplayer Online Roleplaying game by Verant Interactive, Sony Online Entertainment, and, of course, LucasArts.

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of MMORPGs, a little Geek Gamer 101:

An MMORPG is big fusion of different ideas/gaming genres. Imagine taking a chat room and making it a virtual environment. Instead of going into windows and seeing different text getting typed up, you see people who are waving, smiling, winking, walking around. Now imagine that on top of just chatting, you can also shoot people who piss you off, high five people who say something clever, or sit back and watch someone get down and boogie. Now also imagine that you can go on groups, hitting different bars, going out on hunting trips, or tackling some Big Bad together so you can get that sense of accomplishment that can only come from dozens of tiny things with weapons ganging up on one big thing with no weapons and killing it with numerical superiority and blasters. THEN going to a bar to talk about it. It’s essentially a virtual life where many of the elemental activities your perform in real life, ie, shopping, socializing, conflict, are realized in dramatic scale with heroic friends and villains. It’s being the star of a novel or movie in an ongoing environment.

That’s an MMORPG.

So imagine my geekish pleasure centers going into full throttle overload of endorphin rapture when I heard that the Star Wars universe was getting the MMORPG treatment.

I was five years old when the first movie came out. I don’t remember much of that experience except for Luke Skywalker swinging across that huge chasm with Princess Leia. I pretty much remember all of The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi. I had MANY toys. It’s always been a fantasy to become a Jedi.

Now this game comes out, and suddenly all those dreams of going into a cantina (Or, to quote Jay in Dogma, “That FUCKED up bar!”) then cruising over to Tosche Station for some power convertors can actually come true, WITH the promise of a long, hard road to become a Jedi that many will aspire to and few will achieve…

My God, it’s like a childhood dream come true.

It feels like there’s a nerdy part of me that’s been waiting its whole life to play this game, and unfortunately, it can’t just yet. There are quite a few stumbling blocks getting in the way.

1) The Girlfriend would commence an unanaesthetized vasectomy should I devote the days, weeks, months and yes, years of gaming I’d be willing to dedicate to the game, and while I’m not entirely closed off to the idea of a vasectomy, I would appreciate the convenience of being unconscious during the procedure.

2) The PC: Check out these oh so sexy specs:

450 MHz

128 MB RAM

Video Card with specs not even worth mentioning by today’s standards.

Since this is the latest greatest game, these performance specifications are vomit-worthy if I tried installing the game.

3) The Game: Costs money I do not have.

4) The monthly subscription rate to play the game online: Costs money AND a credit card I do not have.

As you can see, the odds are stacked against me. There are, however, some possible remedies for SOME of the problems:

1) Set an alarm on the game and keep a book of stock loving phrases with rose handy that is dispensed once every 45 minutes, with a nice dinner once every three 3 days, but it has to be before the Bantha hunt just outside Mos Eisely.

2) The computer components may be solved in time assuming the generosity of others (Thanks Eugene…) who are willing to give me their–quite serviceable–left overs when they upgrade their PCs to handle Doom 3 and Half-Life 2 comes through.

3) Further generosity from others (Thanks AGAIN, Eugene…) from others who are willing to take an IOU until such time as mindnumbing amounts of money from being a famous novelist start flowing will allow for game acquisition.

4) Credit Card: Argh. Still working on this.

5) My solution being implemented right here!

ANNOUNCING THE GEEK FOSTER PARENT PLAN!

SFX: (Force theme song otherwise known as twin suns “sunset” music from Star Wars Episode 4)

George Lucas: Hello, I’m George Lucas. I’m here today to talk about some very special people with very special needs. They’re called geeks and they need your help.

Fade: Image of me standing outside in winter, at a window to a house, face pressed against glass. Cut to shot of interior, with happy gamers by fireplace, playing SWG.

VO: While you and I enjoy a good life with fulfilling goals and accomplishments, others… aren’t so lucky.

Close Up: I rub my nose, sniffle and press closer to window. Cut to screen shot showing people joyriding on landspeeder.

VO: There are many deprived geeks out there, unable to afford my new game, Star Wars Galaxies: An Empire Divided. And it’s not always easy for them to live with that pain.

Medium Shot: Me playing with old Star Wars figures in an alley in a cardboard box.

Me: Hey Leia! Let’s go to Tatooine!

Me: That’s not Tatooine, that’s a garbage can!

Me: (Sweeping figures aside and putting face in hands) ARGH! IT’S TRUE!

Cut to George standing outside alley looking in as I cry. He turns to camera.

George: I want to help them. But I need your help to do that. For just one thousand American dollars per pledge, you can be a foster parent to a deprived geek and make a world of difference in the life of someone who has nothing.

Cut to Fed Ex delivery van pulling up to alley, Fed Ex guy steps out as shaft of light and angelic chorus begin. Cut to close up of shaft of light centering on a box that says “NEW PC WITH SWG!”

Close Up of me: THANK YOU! OH, THANK YOU!

Fex Ex Guy: May the Force be with you, loser.

Me: AND ALSO WITH YOU!

Cut to scene of me somehow setting up PC in an alley with no visible electrical outlet or broadband cabling. Hey, it’s TV, fer God’s sake…

VO: As a foster parent, not only do you enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that you have helped someone in need, you’ll get monthly reports from LucasFilm as well as photos of your foster geek to see how you’ve made a difference their life. Or distinct lack thereof.

Cut to nice suburban home. Couple inside sits in front of their Keith Haring painting and looks at official LucasFilm letter. Cut to close up of letter with photo included of me in zombified state, playing SWG with drool carelessly dripping from lip.

Wife: He looks so healthy!

Husband: Yeah, he’s doing great, isn’t he?

Wife: Oh! What’s this?

[Pulls out letter]

VO: And sometimes, just sometimes, you might get a little something extra. Straight from the heart.

Cut to close up. Me in alley, sitting at box, with tongue sticking out in concentration as I ham fistedly write out a letter with toilet paper and a piece of charcoal.

Subtitle with VO: Dear parunts, thaanks heeps fer the gayme. I lik it a loot.

Cut to George: Yes, it’s a problem, a deprived geek. But it’s a problem that together, we can do something about. So please, call this toll free number on your screen and start a generous and rewarding venture in being a foster parent to a geek. I’m George Lucas. Thank you for watching.

Music: CUE STAR WARS THEME.

So, if anyone’s interested…

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Last minute thought for friends who read this regularly!

I AM OFFICIALLY INTERESTING! WHEEEEEEEE!!!

Damn, this DEFINITELY qualifies as an interesting anecdote! I’m a DAMN fascinating person! Wow!

Okay, off to dinner…

Hey! We’re Almost Famous In A Bad, BAD Way!

Here’s what happens when you wake up wondering, “Hm… What am I gonna’ do today?”

For friends who have been reading the blog regularly, you know that the Girlfriend and I whipped up a little thing called Charlie’s Monsters which got picked up by that website, creaturefeature comics. The official website being, once again, here. Now, Charlie’s Monsters is about three female monsters, a vampire, a reanimated corpse a la Frakenstein’s Monster, and a werewolf. They work for–or more to the point, kidnapped and set up shop with–a man named Charlie who gives them assignments that they go on which usually result in mass chaos and destruction on the order of the classic anime fare, The Dirty Pair. It was a fun little thing that we whipped up and were surprised when the Creature Feature guys picked us up, but we thought, “Hm… cool…” and went on with our lives.

Now we might get sued!

BY JOHN BYRNE NO LESS!

IS THAT COOL OR WHAT?!?

A little Comic Geek 101:

John Byrne is one of the seminal comic book artists of the 80′s, who with along with George Perez, probably upped the cool factor for comic book art and worked on some of the biggest titles of that time. He is responsible for drawing the much cherished Dark Phoenix saga with Chris Claremont, created the She-Hulk series that took the Jade Giantess in a whole new comedic direction, worked on the Fantastic Four, and is responsible for the “reboot” of Superman no less. He is a seminal influence on many of today’s artists with his innovative use of massive detailing in technology and background, his dynamic lines and his clean character designs. No John Byrne equals no Jim Lee, he’s THAT important, kids.

He is, with no small amount of exagerration, one of the Elder Gods of the Comic Book Pantheon.

And now we’ve gotten his attention.

It seems that completely unbeknownst to us, he was working on a title of his own called You Go Ghoul, about a trio of female monsters, a vampire, a reanimated corpse a la Frankenstein’s Monster, and a Mummy, who take assignments from an invisible man named “Manny”.

There are, of course, many people who are now aware of this.

It has now come to our attention, thanks to the lovely people at creature feature comics, that John is, understandably, perplexed and concerned about the amazing similarity in concepts which is now being actively discussed at his forum here. John has many fans (Of which I am one) and through the love of comics that we all have, they jumped to attention at this strange event and sent out tendrils of investigation with the speed and efficiency that can only come from still living in your parent’s basement. Sorry if I gave offense, boys. I know of what I speak, since I too share that same efficiency.

And so, in rapid fashion as of June 22nd, when the first fan posted our work on creature features to John’s website, they have uncovered A) The Creature Features website, B) the Girlfriend’s website and C) THIS VERY BLOG YOU’RE READING!

Hello, new readers. No, I am not a diabolical photocopy machine who has it in for John, no I am not a jealous fan who has twisted his admiration for John into an obsessive need to destroy him. I’m a writer and I’ve got a couple of novels done which are being handled by my agent and being looked at by some publishers.

[Shameless Whoring Mode ON]

So if you want to read a really fine yarn with mutant madness, ghosts and touching drama, then keep an eye out for Shift and Broken Presences by Shoeless Wayne Santos! Coming out at a book store near you! Own a piece of comic lore and read the works of a geek who got sued by John! Now being being released in three separate editions with foil cover, for your comic investment needs!

If you want to find out more about this writer of litigious tales, then go to his agent’s website, Jack Byrne of the Sternig & Byrne Literary Agency and discuss with him how you too can get a piece of the potential courtroom action and take your place in comic book history the way he just inadvertantly did! Act now Operators are standing by! The first 100 callers get special “early bird” bonus gift! What little is left of his dignity and self-respect at this point!

[Shameless Whoring Mode OFF]

And now, onto the more serious stuff.

Since everyone is going to be wondering, and since I’m sure that I’ve now got a few new readers lurking around here who will act on John’s behalf, I’m leaving it up to this blog to do its job and carry forth this message, which will no doubt make its way back to John. Hopefully it will shed some light on the matter.

Open Letter To John Byrne

Dear John,

(No, I’m not dumping you)

It is, actually, a matter of some excitement and even a little bit of honor that we have come to your attention. It’s unfortunate that the circumstances are what they are, but nevertheless, for the geek inside me, it’s still a very cool thing to be noticed by you. When I was kid, I grew up playing video games, reading novels, playing Dungeons & Dragons and, last but not least, reading many, MANY comics. And many of them were things you worked on. I even toyed with the idea briefly of being a comic book artist and it was you and George Perez who were my guiding lights for art during my childhood, in addition to Japanese anime. As time passed, I realized that my talent lay more in writing than in drawing, and so, reluctantly gave it up to pursue a more productive (But no less frustrating) venture into becoming a novelist, something that is on the verge of happening today after many years of work, hope and inspiration from people like you.

Your comics were amazing to me growing up. Your art was–and is–beautiful to look at, and I distinctly recall wondering, “WHO IS THIS GUY?!?” when I first saw your work appearing in Marvel comics. I remember the amazement of seeing Reed Richards and the rest of the group rendered under your deft penciling. But most of all I remember how moved I was by the work you did in the X-Men with the Dark Phoenix Saga. That will, to me personally, always be the defining moment when comic books rose above the stigma of being just “funny books” and became literary and artistic work, capable of moving the human heart and speaking to us about the best that we could–and should–be. That’s what art does, and that’s what Claremont’s story and your tragic rendering of Jean Gray’s final moments of life did. It was good work. The best work. And it is something that you should rightfully always be proud of because so many things that we take for granted in comics today arose from that one story, and you made it, shaping the minds of millions of dreamers like me into wondering if some day, it wouldn’t be a cool thing to do just that ourselves.

But then you went on from there. You made me laugh with She-Hulk, you made me proud to be a Canadian with Alpha Flight, and even brought a touch of pride to this little geek’s heart when you took Alpha Flight to West Edmonton Mall, and showed a panel with a comic book store that this very geek bought some of your work at. Then you tackled the great American myth of Superman and you made him good again, wonderful and inspiring and in all these things, you have done nothing but create work that would go on to entertain, move, provoke thought and best of all, leave people feeling a little good, a little wonderful and giving them permission to dream, maybe even take a chance on those dreams.

That, Mr. Byrne, is what you have done for me, and I can’t thank you enough for that.

So it is with no small amount of fan-boyish enthusiasm that I have found out that my girlfriend and I have actually garnered you attention, something I never dreamed possible. It’s unfortunate that it had to be within a legal context, but one doesn’t have control over life, only how one responds to it, and this is my reponse:

There is NO malicious intent or even purposefully imitative intent behind Charlie’s Monsters. That seems hard to believe in light of the–and I’ll be the first to admit this–AMAZING similarity in concept, but nevertheless it is the truth, and here is my side of it.

I am the writer. She is the artist. Charlie’s Monsters came about one day because the girlfriend knows that I have a love of bonehead stupidity and sarcasm–or sometimes just stupid sarcasm–that, if left unchecked, woud doubtless cause my head to explode into a million mean spirited comments. She had recently been working on a run of Indy/Alternative style comics which were, for the most part, very dialogue heavy and tended to emphasize more focus on film noir angling, composition of characters in conversation, basically creating mood. However, she felt that she would like to keep her hand in the action genre, so as not to lose her familiarity with jumps, leaps, fighting and all the other stuff that say, ordinarily wouldn’t appear very much in titles such as The Sandman or Gloom Cookie, which are the big favorites in our psychotic little house hold.

One day, she came up with the idea of Fran, a reanimated corpse who got into stupid misadventures of the espionage sort, and she threw the idea at me. I caught it and, as I usually do, started throwing out all kinds of stupid dialogue and situations around the idea that left us both cracking up, and eventually we thought it would be neat if she had friends and took assignments from someone and me being the pop culture freak that I am, immediately said, “Charlie’s Monsters.” And that was that. From there we dreamed up Harriet, the skittish werewolf girl, and Mira the sexy Vampire and envisioned a world and a 3 page series where we would get a chance to make fun of every single action move/comic book convention that had ever annoyed us or made us laugh. And the comic was born. At first we didn’t even think we’d do anything with it outside of just writing/drawing it for ourselves, but then she decided for fun that we might create a website specifically for it where people could just see a free 3 page monthly comic. We never got that far. She posted the work on her own work-related website, and gave it to the kind people at Creature Features who saw it, liked it and asked her if we’d be interested in having the work put out there. Initially, my biggest concern was with all the current Charlie’s Angels hoopla flying around, Aaron Spelling’s people would jump all over us, but I figured, “Hey, we’ve got no money, and if it comes to that we just stop doing it and make them happy again, no harm, no foul.”

So we did it. The Girlfriend still has yet to take down the original work from her website, but since Creature Features isn’t officially up and running anyway, there hasn’t been any need to do so, and since the free preview included at Creature Features is exactly the same one that appears in the Girlfriend’s website, and is INTENDED to be viewed for free, it didn’t seem like something that had to be rushed and anyway, the Creature Features guys hadn’t asked us to do it yet.

Which leads us to where we are today.

John, I have nothing but respect for you and your work. You have given me many intangible things over the years that have carried me through many moments when I suffered my own creative doubts. I still go back to the Dark Phoenix Saga on occasion and just look at it again to remind me of where things can go. I know it seems like an unbelievable coincidence that You Go Ghoul and Charlie’s Monsters have so many similarities, but then it seems like creative types always work on the same wavelength, and we were both subject to the Charlie’s Angel’s vibe that’s been going through the pop culture undercurrent for the last couple of years since McG brought the franchise back.

Charlie’s Monsters, is, to us, a fun diversion, nothing more. The Girlfriend has her own comic book work that she has to think about, and I will always think of myself as more of a novelist than anything else, so it was really just a kind of “neat” thing for us that Creature Features wanted to pick up what amounted to an exercise in stupid fun. But that’s all it is to us an exercise. We had no idea you were working on a similar idea and didn’t even know about it until Creature Features brought it our attention, much in the same way that you had no idea of us until your fans made it known. But if You Go Ghoul is something that matters to you, something that is important, than I would be the last person in the world to get in the way of someone that inspired me as a child. I’d be a pretty rotten geek if I actually stopped a guy I admire from putting out work that I myself would probably love to see, so the same “Just In Case” scenario we had for Aaron Spelling is also open to you.

You can discuss it with us, and with Creature Feature Comics, but the bottom line is, we didn’t want to hurt you, didn’t know what you were doing, and we are sorry that it came to this. If it means that much to you, Charlie’s Monsters can either change it’s title and concept, or, disappear entirely. No harm, no foul. I’m not going to get into a fight with a guy who gave me so much. Especially since we just didn’t know.

I know there are fans out there who (And I can hardly blame them) will probably say this is all a total pack of lies and that we are obviously looking at your work and aping it. To them, all I can do is shrug my shoulders. It may be an amazing coincidence, but it is just that. However, if it is a coincidence that means much more to John than it does to us, then we’re willing to let it go. It was always supposed to be for fun, not to annoy or worry a major comic icon.

So that’s my offer to you, John. We can discuss it, or you can discuss it with Creature Features, or you can have your lawyer do it (We don’t have a lawyer. We don’t have money, we’re starving artists) though I completely suck at legal proceedings, but in the end, whatever it takes to put your mind at ease, up to and including outright sacking the whole Charlie’s Monsters idea, it is something that I am willing to do.

I hope this clears things up for you.

Sincerely,

“Shoeless” Wayne Santos

That Damn Cat

I am officially concerned about the psychological effects of owning a cat.

The Girlfriend, as lovely and generous as she is, is also rather prone to stress and it doesn’t take much to work her up. Unfortunately, Uno seems to have not yet figured this out and so is responsible (However inadvertantly) for, among other things, causing her to be extremely distressed, angry, and, as of a couple of days ago, physically injured.

Uno is, after all, a street cat. She comes from a world where food was an occasionally uncertain thing, since, even though there were many people who wander the neighborhood at various hours of the day, leaving everything from actual cat food to left over human food for the cats to eat, the sheer number of cats in the neighborhood pretty much guarantee that meal time is a competition of the fastest eater or strongest defender in the hierarchy of street cats. Consequently, Uno has learned to wolf down her food at light speed and pretty much hoover ANYTHING else left sitting around. Despite the fact that she is a street cat, however, this hasn’t prevented her from becoming pudgy, though not yet hugely fat.

This is starting to change.

Now that she is a house cat, and has, for the most part, adapted pretty well to her new role, her eating habits have changed very little. This means that at meal times, what is definitely more food for her than is healthy is wolfed down in very short period of time. Once it is, she starts eyeballing Zero’s food and tends to leave him without any, since he has adapted what the books and veternarian tell us is a more healthy eating pattern, of nibbling regularly at his food at regular intervals over the course of the day. This pattern, while healthier for him, has also left him with no food after an hour, and more or less given Uno four meals a day.

The Girlfriend, however admirable it is, is very big on the concept of fair. The fact that Uno seems to be inadvertantly punishing Zero for his A) cowardice of her and B) healthier eating habits strikes her as consummately unfair and so she’s been getting pretty angry with Uno. Especially since she gets so much more food than Zero and yet it still doesn’t seem to be enough for her.

So what ended up happening a couple of days ago (While I was at the Microsoft Marketing thingy) was that she caught Uno raiding Zero’s food bowl once again, and got out the water bottle, chased her out while squirting her, slipped on the water on the floor and landed on her tail bone, which is still smarting even now. We’re going to wait another day (The pain has gone down somewhat, as has the swelling) and if it’s still really bothering her, I suppose we’ll have to get it checked out, ’cause right now she’s hobbling around like an old lady and is, understandably, somewhat peeved at the cat who obviously doesn’t think any wrong has been done. But then she lives in a very Uno-centric world and so all she understands is her hunger.

We’ve been trying to condition her. For the last day or so we’ve been laying out Zero’s food bowl where she can get it and then zapping her with water, then putting food in her bowl and letting her eat it. She seems to be slowly getting it, although she still experiments to see whether she can sneak a quick devour or two from his food. This is pissing off the Girlfriend to no end, and if she were an older woman, more set in her ways with higher blood pressure, I’m pretty sure a heart attack would be in the offing considering how much this is getting to her.

Sort of makes me wonder. Zero is stupid, and he is a coward, definitely not a public cat, but on the whole his behavior is much more manageable, something I never realized until I started seeing how other cats react compared to him. He’ll never be a popular cat amongst visitors since he’s not as outgoing or friendly as Uno. Then again, when the Girlfriend is in physical pain, or I am depressed about something, Zero seems to know and genuinely care about the suffering, whereas Uno has made it clear that she is only friendly to those who pet her or feed her. I guess it’s that whole question of personality again; Uno will superficially appeal to more people because she’s a more public cat who whores shamelessly for attention and food. Zero avoids the limelight and really is only comfortable around people he loves, but he is quite devoted and affectionate to those who make it into that circle of caring.

I’m hoping that it doesn’t come down to this, but there may be a time when we have to accept the possibility that we might have to give Uno away. It’s not that she’s an incredibly bad cat who tears curtains or anything like that, but her one particular pattern of misbehavior seems genetically designed to pick at the one area of conduct that will stress out the Girlfriend most. She doesn’t, by human terms, “play fair,” and Zero suffers for her greed, which, I admit, I’m not real thrilled about either, but I don’t get angry to the same proportions as the Girlfriend who has difficulty concentrating or even working properly when she even thinks about Uno’s constant raiding of the food bowl. Of course, it doesn’t help now that she’s also somewhat physically disabled as a result of trying to put a stop to Uno’s recent raid, so Uno is, for better or for worse, seriously starting to wear thin in the affection department around the house. Whatever charm she has a friendly cat is starting to become outweighed by the fact that she is starving the first, better behaved, though superficially less appealing cat.

Agh. Poor cats…

Have Geek, Will Travel

Well, what a bizarre day today turned out to be.

The story begins just a couple of days back when I was given an assignment by Playworks to cover some of the gaming events that will be occurring around the island. Tournaments for real time strategy games like Age of Mythology, Rise of Nations, or fighters like Soul Calibur 2. Since I’d never covered a gaming event (usually just sitting around spectating) I was kind of curious to see how I’d fare as a journalist this time.

Alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

The head honcho of the magazine called me in as I was playing around with Flight Simulator 2004. I had to go down to the office because they needed a review of the game and my PC (at a paltry 450 MHz) was in simply no condition to run it, let alone store the 3 gigs it demanded in terms of hard drive space. So while I was playing the game (Yes, I picked a 747. Yes, I took off from La Guardia. Yes, I flew to Manhattan. Yes, I crashed it into a building. I couldn’t help it…) I was taken in by the Chief and asked if I could go down to the Eastern end of the island (Called Pasir Ris, I lived there for my first two years) and attend a Microsoft press conference that was going to cover all the X-Boxy goodness coming to Singapore in the next few months. I figured that would be interesting and said, “Sure.” Then I found out it was on the same day as a Soul Calibur tournament I was supposed to be covering and, for reasons that escaped me at the time, the Chief took me off that and put me on the press conference instead and told me it was all fixed.

Then he asked me if I could demo a game.

I didn’t understand, and he said that at the press conference, they were also going to be previewing a couple PC games, and one of them was going to be Flight Simulator, so he wondered if I’d be willing to play it. Apparently Microsoft Singapore had been reading the magazine recently and asked for Shoeless Wayne Santos to comment on the games since he seemed so knowledgeable about gaming.

“That’s it?” I asked rather suspiciously.

“Well, and talk about it a little bit. Just what you like or don’t like about it. Don’t worry, it’s not a high pressure situation, just a little room in a chalet, with a computer, people sitting around. Almost like talkng to your friends when you show them a new game.”

“Oh,” I said. “Okay, that sounds cool. I’m in.”

“Can you do Rise of Nations too?”

“I didn’t play Rise of Nations, I don’t know anything about it.”

“But you wrote that Rise of Nations feature.”

“I read the ‘net and lied through my teeth. Come on, you know my PC can’t handle it. You’d better let the reviewer do it.”

He nodded glumly and I went back to trying to skim my Cessna off George Washington’s nose on Mt. Rushmore.

So yesterday, while doing research on the ‘net, I got an SMS request on my phone to get onto MSN messenger by the Chief for a talk. I don’t have MSN and so I resorted to using the Girlfriend’s computer since I stubbornly try not to take in a more than necessary Bill Quotient on my machine.

Chief: The reviewer can’t make it, can you talk about Rise of Nations?

Me: I’ve never even played it.

Chief: Can you come down today and give it a try? We’ve already installed it on the Uber Rig PC.

Me: … … … *sigh*… okay…

So I went down and took it through its paces, indulging my usual anachronistic tendencies and pushing my civilization’s rate of technological advancement to such ridiculous proportions that by the time my nearest enemies had discovered how to make Pole Axes, I was already assaulting them with tanks, bombers and machine guns… I love technological advancement in RTS games…

Today then, I got up, hiked outta’ the ol’ pad and made my way down to my old stomping grounds, where this recreational area called NTUC Downtown East had been put up (Basically a family chalet/weekender sort of place away from the hustle bustle of the city) and found the area I was supposed to go to.

Which was not a chalet.

Which was not in a little room.

It was a conference hall. With huge ass projection screen. And someone was handing me a microphone.

Thank GOD for my gift for useless facts and details. I ended up sitting AT the Microsoft table, with a PC in front of me, with a flight stick, and the huge projection screen behind me, and was told, “So play the game and tell us a little bit about this…”

At which point, for Flight Simulator 2004, I riffled off all the trivia, like how it was supposed to celebrate the December 17th centennial of powered human flight. How it had in game flight lessons by John and Martha King of King Aviation Flight School, one of the biggest in America, how it had coaching by Roy Machado, another revered flight instructor, how it used the new Garmin 295 and 500 series GPS indicators with 24,000 real world airports, both towered and non-towered. All the while casually picking another 747, taking it from Kennedy International and driving it through Manhattan.

And was once again reminded of how different the mindset is of Westerners from Singaporeans.

They were a pretty quiet bunch, and I had to keep checking to see if they were following me, since I was probably speaking at warp speed (As usual) and frequently had to stop and say things like:

“Any questions? Anyone? Anyone? No? What did George Bush call Regan’s economics program? Something economics. Anyone? Anyone? D-O-O economics. Voodoo ecnomics. QUE HABLA CANADIAN ENGLISH, OR WHAT?!?”

Sigh…

Then I had to sit down and watch some corporate propaganda program where Microsoft had insightfully decided that people who played games were broken up into four groups. On one end of the scale, you had what they referred to as “Time Killers” who were people that played for a few minutes or an hour at a time as a momentary distraction. On the other end, they had what they called “Committed Gamers”.

“Like our friend, over here,” the MS Marketing guy said, motioning towards me. “Committed gamers look like… HIM! Long hair, casual clothes, beard… pale complexion because they spend every waking hour playing games. Games, games, games, right?”

“Uh… yeah…” I said in a less than definitive tone of voice.

Then they showed more videos of upcoming games and it was time for me to play Rise of Nations. More trivia about strategy games, the differences between turn based and real time games, and Rise of Nations was supposed to be a marriage of the two genres. My little farmers farmed, my miners mined, my soldiers killed. That was it.

More game videos, propaganda, goodies bags handed out (I am now the proud owner of a) an X-Box t-shirt, b) X-Box polo shirt, c) X-Box towel, which I think will become our new doormat) and eventually it was time to take to the X Box consoles and start playing the new games we’d just seen. Or a few of them anyway.

The X Box marketing guy congratulated me on winging it. I asked him when the X Box Live stuff was coming to Singapore and he said in a few months. He told me he’d look forward to my reviews of the X Box live games.

“I’m not reviewing them,” I said.

“What? Why not?”

“Can’t afford an X-Box Live account, come on, I’m a writer, man, look at me…”

He smiled and said, “You’re also a games reviewer. Don’t worry, I think you’re all set with us when the time comes.”

Later, while smoking outside, the Chief also congratulated me, since he wasn’t sure what the hell I was going to say and was just glad I actually knew what I was talking about. He wondered if I wouldn’t be interested or able to take on more reviewing/writing chores and asked, “Is it possible?”

My only reply was, “Well… it is and it isn’t. It is ’cause I can crank it out, yeah, and I have fun doing it. It isn’t ’cause… well… look at my PC. It’s crap. I can’t review PC games ’cause I can’t run them, and I can’t do GameCube reviews ’cause I don’t have a GameCube.”

He thought about it, nodded, and said, “I think I can set you up for that. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.”

So after an odd day where I not only had to play games to an audience but TALK about them too, I scored a free X-Box live account, a free gaming worthy PC and a free Nintendo GameCube.

I. Love. My. JOB.

Awwwww…

You know it must be love when the girlfriend plays Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance with you till 7 in the morning and keeps taking all the gold. But sometimes she splits a rejuvenation potion with you.

I’m a lucky guy…

It’s Not My Fault She MADE Me Do It

In a fit of dark irony, the meals that were eaten before and after Finding Nemo were both sushi-based. I’m sorry Marlin! Really!

Man, what can you say about this movie?

Is it perfect? No.

Is it one of Pixar’s best? YES.

Get the obvious stuff out of the way, since it’s a CG film, that means that as technology advances, each successive Pixar film will ALWAYS visually surpass the last, limited only the palette of textures, colors and sensibilities of the artists that work on them, so there’s really no question that this was going to be the prettiest Pixar movie to date. EVERY new Pixar movie automatically holds that title. Of course, in my particular case, since my all time favorite color is aqua and since this movie is ocean based, that pretty much means from a color sense, this will probably always be my favorite film as the interplay of sunlight and ocean water was tranquil and, when combined with the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef of Oz, stunning. It’s a beautiful, beautiful looking movie and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

What really surprised me however, and what makes it my favorite Pixar movie to date, was how HUMAN it was.

Perhaps it’s beause of the subject matter. The Toy Story films and even Monsters Inc, didn’t have to “try” quite as hard to present the human condition, because toys, which are human creations, and monsters which are figments of human imagination, pretty much have a built into anthropomorphic quality; they’ll have two arms, two legs, humanoid faces and live in a familiar human environment. The challenge to the Pixar people was one that Disney has wrestled with for quite some time now, which was, “How do we bring human qualities to non-human characters?” And where Disney has usually succeeded with either pulling at out heart strings (Which Pixar did) or getting stellar actors for the voice acting (Which Pixar also did) they never brought so many human situations into the context of the animal kingdom to not only push the comedic value (I mean, this stuff is funny enough when humans do it, but when animals do it, it’s comedy genius) but that same mechanic reduces these human situations into something very basic and identifiable, making them somehow even more accessible and universal. That’s something Disney never did.

I won’t ruin the movie (Well, not too much anyway) but the whole idea of the three sharks as a stand in metaphor for recovering addicts was so insanely brilliant that I’m still breathless at the sheer ingenuity of it. I don’t know of many movies (Live or animated) that will surpass that moment of sublime comedy.

And then there’s the theme, and this is where the movie stands head and shoulders above almost all American animation and approaches the depth and artistic accomplishment of the best Japanese anime.

The plot itself is simple. Marlin, due to a horrible and traumatic experience in his past, has learned to fear the world and the inherent dangers it offers. This paranoia carries over to his only son, Nemo, and therein lies the well-intentioned but ultimately suffocating conflict of the movie. He loves his son so much and values his safety so much that he tries to spare him any experience of the outside world, even the positive ones, for fear that it will lead to harm. Marlin’s fear is projected onto his son and Nemo eventually rebels and pays the price.

But this isn’t a simple, “Listen to your parents or you’ll get in trouble” moral platitude. It’s far more complex, forgiving, honest and yes, even though it’s about fish, HUMAN story than many I’ve seen in years. The current crop of summer films are all maxed out with cylinders firing on the CG WOW factor scale, but the heart of this film about a father trying to rescue his only son is miles ahead of them in simple, unpretentious–and, a rarity in today’s film climate–sincere HEART. It’s almost like in every frame of animation rendered, you could feel the writer, director, and loads of animators all knew they had something special on their hands that they genuinely believed in, because, like all good art, it believes in its message, the message is an important one and it’s one we can all walk away from having learned something valuable that will be of use to us.

Little Nemo is not an unrepentant and spoiled brat for not listening to his father. Marlin is not an evil, repressive tyrant, and he has very real, legitimate reasons underlying his unreasoning fear of the dangers of the world. The themes of growing up, acknowledging that growth, of according autonomy and respect to those are finding their way in the world, of understanding that one cannot be shielded from all the bad in the world without also being denied the good… this is all very complex and heady stuff for a summer “kid’s flick,” and yet amongst the eye-popping CG candy, the adrenalin surging chases and almost non-stop hilarity of physical and verbal comedy, there is also a complex and compassionate exploration of these ideas and, like the very best lessons, most of it will probably slip under the radar and sink in subliminally where it will do the most good.

And I cannot say ENOUGH good things about the voice actors for this movie. Perhaps this is simply the Uber-Geek within, but I truly believe that whether these performances were “real” or for CG characters is moot, this has some of the best acting in a movie this year. Dory’s heart-breaking confession towards the end of the film about her memory condition pulled off the amazing trick of making me stop ogling the CG goodness and merely think, “Oh, GOD poor Dory…” a feeling that I haven’t had since Boo said good bye to Sully in Monster’s Inc.

No, I didn’t cry at this movie, it wasn’t that kind of film. Instead, I had that rare feeling I almost never carry away when a movie is over. I felt good.

The only real criticism I can level at the film is one from my own list of personal prejudices. I love character, and the characters of Marlin, Dory, Nemo, Gill and all the rest were wonderful. It disappointed me somewhat that there so, SO many chases in the movie. On the one hand, it is a movie about fish and so I suppose that a chase is the only convincing conflict to bring to such a film, and on the other hand, it is a summer movie and so action aplenty is always the order of the day, but just watching these characters be themselves, without necessarily any life threatening situations was itself, a joy to watch and I really would’ve loved to have seen more of that.

This is SO on my list of DVDs to pick up when it becomes affordable again. Right up there with all the region 1 Miyazaki flicks. Mm… Kiki’s Delivery Service…

GO. WATCH. NOW!

It’s Up! Kind’a, Sort’a…

You’ve seen it before, but since I’m in Pimp Daddy mode again, I’ll bring it out for more shameless whoring. CHARLIE’S MONSTERS IS A GO! Perhaps this will make me more interesting, I can now say I have a web comic. Or write one, anyway. So if you click on this particular Creatures Features page here, you’ll find the same Charlie’s Monsters comics the girlfriend and I whipped together and that she put up on her website.

Unfortunately, this also means it’s the last time you’ll ever see a complete 3 page story for free. #2, #3 and all subsequent stories appear on the website in sample form, with the complete comic being available only if you subscribe. If you’re anything like me, this means you’ll NEVER see it because you don’t have a credit card and can’t buy jack shit off the ‘net, but then most of you aren’t quite so technophilic in theory but luddite by economic necessity, so maybe all is not lost.

In a day or so, the Charlie’s Monsters page will be more complete. I’m writing up the bios for the girlfriend and myself. Her request is that I make sure I mention she likes cats. I am happy to report that at least I am shaping up to have a cliche writer’s bio, since at last count my resume goes something like this: Worked as an amusement ride operator, worked in a hospital kitchen, worked as a suicide distress line operator, worked as a copywriter in advertising, worked as journalist and schmoozed in restaurants and with minor local celebs, worked as a writer/producer/director in television and hopped the globe, has had ad copy, short stories, and articles published, has written two books, is represented by an agent, currently works as an editor with a video game magazine and now is writing a web comic. And likes cats.

Which puts things in better perspective, as even though I am doomed to not be interesting, at least life is good. Ideally, I’ll one day be able to name drop and mention that Neil-O and Big Bill are my bestest friends ever, that’s guaranteed interest factor right there…

There is also huge, massive, UNBELIEVABLE news regarding the girlfriend, but alas, I am slapped with a Nondisclosure agreement and threats of sleeping on the couch, and so cannot say what I am talking about, though no one said anything about not building up the hype now…

Possible Solutions For Becoming More Interesting

1) Get dumped.

2) Get back into advertising.

3) Get back into television.

4) Contract hideous disease that takes its toll over a period of years.

5) Get mugged.

6) Get raped.

7) Get killed.

Go in for plastic surgery and have it go horribly wrong.

9) Go in for plastic surgery and have it go miraculously right.

10) Find an arch-nemesis who is out to destroy me.

11) Become an arch-nemesis out to destroy someone else.

12) Become alcoholic.

13) Do drugs.

14) Sell drugs.

15) Do the drugs I’m selling, with the inevitable consequence of #7.

16) Go to jail. See #6.

17) Become an actor.

18) Become a mugger.

19) Become a rapist.

20) Become a murderer.

21) Become a serial killer, which is the same as 20, but with more style.

22) Contract an eating disorder, though there’s already speculation I’m anorexic.

23) Found a new religion.

24) Wipe out an old one.

25) Become a stage magician.

26) Join the Mafia.

27) Join the Yakuza.

28) Become a drug addict with the express purpose of getting off the drugs so I can write about it later.

29) Get a tattoo.

30) Get a life.

I’m personally very excited about that disease one. Out of all of them that’s the one where no one can argue with your claim, “I’m the victim here!” plus you get to learn all kinds of neat medical terms and people give you gifts even though it’s not Christmas or your birthday. After all, a colostomy bag is the gift that keeps on giving. Sort of…

Reality Crushes My World

For the most part I have been working under the premise that even though I am currently the most boring human being on the face of the globe, especially in comparison to my friends… (I mean, come on, executives, media people, mathematicians, government types, scholars, guys that have actually written and published books, whereas I am just a writer) I have reassured myself that whatever lack of interest as a human being I have now is balanced by the fact that at some point in the past I was an extremely interesting, if somewhat mean spirited and evil person.

Now it suddenly occurs to me that even that might be a fiction and I’ve simply been boring the whole time.

What a disappointment.

What can I do to be interesting like you guys?!? ARGH!