Oh The Irony…

In a fitting twist, just when when I am glad to finally have a life, it becomes much more appealing to NOT have one again.

By this I mean that my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for gaming is frothing at the mouth to find an IV, a catheter tube and some nice diapers, and plug into Star Wars Galaxies: An Empire Divided, the new Massively-Multiplayer Online Roleplaying game by Verant Interactive, Sony Online Entertainment, and, of course, LucasArts.

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of MMORPGs, a little Geek Gamer 101:

An MMORPG is big fusion of different ideas/gaming genres. Imagine taking a chat room and making it a virtual environment. Instead of going into windows and seeing different text getting typed up, you see people who are waving, smiling, winking, walking around. Now imagine that on top of just chatting, you can also shoot people who piss you off, high five people who say something clever, or sit back and watch someone get down and boogie. Now also imagine that you can go on groups, hitting different bars, going out on hunting trips, or tackling some Big Bad together so you can get that sense of accomplishment that can only come from dozens of tiny things with weapons ganging up on one big thing with no weapons and killing it with numerical superiority and blasters. THEN going to a bar to talk about it. It’s essentially a virtual life where many of the elemental activities your perform in real life, ie, shopping, socializing, conflict, are realized in dramatic scale with heroic friends and villains. It’s being the star of a novel or movie in an ongoing environment.

That’s an MMORPG.

So imagine my geekish pleasure centers going into full throttle overload of endorphin rapture when I heard that the Star Wars universe was getting the MMORPG treatment.

I was five years old when the first movie came out. I don’t remember much of that experience except for Luke Skywalker swinging across that huge chasm with Princess Leia. I pretty much remember all of The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi. I had MANY toys. It’s always been a fantasy to become a Jedi.

Now this game comes out, and suddenly all those dreams of going into a cantina (Or, to quote Jay in Dogma, “That FUCKED up bar!”) then cruising over to Tosche Station for some power convertors can actually come true, WITH the promise of a long, hard road to become a Jedi that many will aspire to and few will achieve…

My God, it’s like a childhood dream come true.

It feels like there’s a nerdy part of me that’s been waiting its whole life to play this game, and unfortunately, it can’t just yet. There are quite a few stumbling blocks getting in the way.

1) The Girlfriend would commence an unanaesthetized vasectomy should I devote the days, weeks, months and yes, years of gaming I’d be willing to dedicate to the game, and while I’m not entirely closed off to the idea of a vasectomy, I would appreciate the convenience of being unconscious during the procedure.

2) The PC: Check out these oh so sexy specs:

450 MHz

128 MB RAM

Video Card with specs not even worth mentioning by today’s standards.

Since this is the latest greatest game, these performance specifications are vomit-worthy if I tried installing the game.

3) The Game: Costs money I do not have.

4) The monthly subscription rate to play the game online: Costs money AND a credit card I do not have.

As you can see, the odds are stacked against me. There are, however, some possible remedies for SOME of the problems:

1) Set an alarm on the game and keep a book of stock loving phrases with rose handy that is dispensed once every 45 minutes, with a nice dinner once every three 3 days, but it has to be before the Bantha hunt just outside Mos Eisely.

2) The computer components may be solved in time assuming the generosity of others (Thanks Eugene…) who are willing to give me their–quite serviceable–left overs when they upgrade their PCs to handle Doom 3 and Half-Life 2 comes through.

3) Further generosity from others (Thanks AGAIN, Eugene…) from others who are willing to take an IOU until such time as mindnumbing amounts of money from being a famous novelist start flowing will allow for game acquisition.

4) Credit Card: Argh. Still working on this.

5) My solution being implemented right here!

ANNOUNCING THE GEEK FOSTER PARENT PLAN!

SFX: (Force theme song otherwise known as twin suns “sunset” music from Star Wars Episode 4)

George Lucas: Hello, I’m George Lucas. I’m here today to talk about some very special people with very special needs. They’re called geeks and they need your help.

Fade: Image of me standing outside in winter, at a window to a house, face pressed against glass. Cut to shot of interior, with happy gamers by fireplace, playing SWG.

VO: While you and I enjoy a good life with fulfilling goals and accomplishments, others… aren’t so lucky.

Close Up: I rub my nose, sniffle and press closer to window. Cut to screen shot showing people joyriding on landspeeder.

VO: There are many deprived geeks out there, unable to afford my new game, Star Wars Galaxies: An Empire Divided. And it’s not always easy for them to live with that pain.

Medium Shot: Me playing with old Star Wars figures in an alley in a cardboard box.

Me: Hey Leia! Let’s go to Tatooine!

Me: That’s not Tatooine, that’s a garbage can!

Me: (Sweeping figures aside and putting face in hands) ARGH! IT’S TRUE!

Cut to George standing outside alley looking in as I cry. He turns to camera.

George: I want to help them. But I need your help to do that. For just one thousand American dollars per pledge, you can be a foster parent to a deprived geek and make a world of difference in the life of someone who has nothing.

Cut to Fed Ex delivery van pulling up to alley, Fed Ex guy steps out as shaft of light and angelic chorus begin. Cut to close up of shaft of light centering on a box that says “NEW PC WITH SWG!”

Close Up of me: THANK YOU! OH, THANK YOU!

Fex Ex Guy: May the Force be with you, loser.

Me: AND ALSO WITH YOU!

Cut to scene of me somehow setting up PC in an alley with no visible electrical outlet or broadband cabling. Hey, it’s TV, fer God’s sake…

VO: As a foster parent, not only do you enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that you have helped someone in need, you’ll get monthly reports from LucasFilm as well as photos of your foster geek to see how you’ve made a difference their life. Or distinct lack thereof.

Cut to nice suburban home. Couple inside sits in front of their Keith Haring painting and looks at official LucasFilm letter. Cut to close up of letter with photo included of me in zombified state, playing SWG with drool carelessly dripping from lip.

Wife: He looks so healthy!

Husband: Yeah, he’s doing great, isn’t he?

Wife: Oh! What’s this?

[Pulls out letter]

VO: And sometimes, just sometimes, you might get a little something extra. Straight from the heart.

Cut to close up. Me in alley, sitting at box, with tongue sticking out in concentration as I ham fistedly write out a letter with toilet paper and a piece of charcoal.

Subtitle with VO: Dear parunts, thaanks heeps fer the gayme. I lik it a loot.

Cut to George: Yes, it’s a problem, a deprived geek. But it’s a problem that together, we can do something about. So please, call this toll free number on your screen and start a generous and rewarding venture in being a foster parent to a geek. I’m George Lucas. Thank you for watching.

Music: CUE STAR WARS THEME.

So, if anyone’s interested…