A Conversation With The Infinite



(As composed while a cat stares imperiously from a lap, demanding food she knows she’s already eaten)



Me: So you’re The Infinite?



Infinite: Yup, that’s about the size of it.



Me: That size being infinite.



Infinite: As you say.



Me: Wow. Cool.



Infinite: A somewhat underwhelming response, but I’m in a good mood today, so you can keep your sanity.



Me: Can I ask you a question?



Infinite: You just did.



Me: Can I ask you another?



Infinite: You just did.



Me: Can I ask you a question after this one has been asked, which will actually be the true question, this first one merely being a prelude to it for politeness’ sake?



Infinite: What the heck. Shoot.



Me: Destiny or Randomness. Which is it?



Infinite: For the universe?



Me: Nah, just for me in particular.



Infinite: Ah, for you it’s destiny.



Me: Damn. I hate destiny.



Infinite: That’s why it’s for you. You should see your neighber, the overzealous Christian who believes everything that happens to him is preordained by the Christian God.



Me: What about him?



Inifinite: His life is all random. He just doesn’t know it. His last failed relationship wasn’t because God is testing him, he just has foul body odor and doesn’t know it because his olfactory nerves are fried.



Me: That’s sick.



Infinite: More interesting that way though, yes?



Me: So I have a purpose in life then?



Infinite: Do you want one?



Me: Oh, hell no.



Infinite: Then yeah, you have a purpose in life and try as you might to escape it, you’ll be rail-roaded into an inevitable destiny.



Me: That’s not fair!



Infinite: More interesting though.



Me: What about that Christian guy?!? HE wants to save the world, HE wants to aspire to sainthood, HE wants to make a difference, I just want to play video games, why don’t you get HIM to fulfill a destiny?



Infinite: ‘Cause that’s what he wants. Hence, his entire life is one random, meaningless accident after another with no connection between events, a string of years that is ultimately senseless and futile.



Me: And the Zen Buddhists?



Infinite: Oh man, I don’t even want to think about them… You ever try making a tree mad?



Me: No.



Infinite: Go try it some time. That’s the way it is trying to annoy them. Always smiling all the time, don’t want anything from the universe. Pisses me off…



Me: All I want to do is play video games and write.



Infinite: Not gonna’ happen. You’re going to end up being trusted advisor the reincarnation of Adolph Hitler we have coming up. Except this time he’s going to be a transvestite girl with a thing for Robert Smith and The Cure.



Me: Hm… Could be worse…



Infinite: Well, there’s that Kill All White People Genocidal program, but you can worry about the press conference for that later.



Me: WHAT?!?



Infinite: Nothing…