Why I Shouldn’t Be In An Adventurer’s Group

If, like the 80′s cartoon Dungeons & Dragons I were to find myself magically transported to a strange D20 based fantasy world, I think it would have catastrophically bad consequences for the party I end up in.

Witness my first encounter with the group alchemist:

Me: So you’re the alchemist, huh?

Him: Aye. I use these reagents and other elements in my magic.

Me: [Sniffing at a leaf that strongly resembles a marijuana plant] Hey, what’s this?

Him: Ah, that is a weed that lay people refer to as Daze-stock.

Me: Hm. Fascinating. Has anyone ever tried smoking it?

Him: What?

Me: [Slapping forehead] Amateurs… Hey, you, totally hot Elven magic girl, come here.

Her: Yes?

Me: Give me some of that parchment.

Her: If you wish, strange one, but it won’t do you any- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?

Me: [Ripping parchment into small, rectangular strips] It’s… uh… Magic from the land I come from.

Him: Strange magic indeed, strange one. How does it work?

Me: Okay, so first we take these leaves off the po-… Daze-Stock, sorry, and then we-

[30 Minutes Later]

Me: [Taking a drag and passing it over] So? What do you think?

Him: [Scrunches face. Breaks down into hysterical laughter]

Her: I feel so… Free. And… tingly!

Me: Where?

Him: [Still laughing hysterically, tears are streaming from his eyes]

Her: Everywhere!

Me: You should dance topless.

Her: Okay! [She does it, accidently casting a minor light spell on her pants in the process. It causes her crotch to glow] Oops! I’ve got magic in my pants!

Me: [Staring slack jawed] You certainly do… Hey, stupid useless bard, come over here. Let me teach you a tune called Stairway To Heaven…

Him: [Recovering from laughter] This is strange magic indeed… [Starts giggling]

Me: Wait till you see what can be done with that Peyote of yours…

Him: What?

Me: Sorry, “desert-star”.

Him: Tell me more, strange one.

Me: Bard, scratch that. I’ll teach you Break On Through instead…