Horrifyingly Inappropriate Bedtime Stories

Despite the fact that I am not a parent and don’t plan on it, I have over the last couple of years, found myself in the position of telling bedtime stories on occasion at the demand of the Fiance. And so every once in a while, late at night, I will find myself starting with “Once upon a time…” and then going on from there to tell the most horrible stories that no child on Earth should ever have to hear. I don’t remember most of these stories as I just make them up as I go along, though the Fiance seems to remember a few of them. The last story I told was apparently about “The Little Sycophant,” about a guy that wanted to suck up better than anyone else in the kingdom. Last night I had to tell another story, and this was about “The Little Yellow Bird.”

Once upon a time, there was a Little Yellow Bird that lived in a forest and decided one day that it was time to build a nest. But he couldn’t because he didn’t know how to build a nest as a result of getting kicked out of his own nest at a very young age by his drunken, neglectful mother. He was quite intent on building a nest though, and decided that he must learn. He wondered how he was going to go about this when he looked up into the sky and saw the biggest, strongest bird he’d ever laid eyes on. It flew up so high and flew so fast, it left a trail of white feathers behind it. It was chasing after a smaller bird that also left a white trail, and it managed to catch it’s prety without even touching it, by sending off a trail of whiter feathers after its victim that, upon contact, caused it to explode and burst into flame. The Little Yellow Bird decided this huge bird must be the one to teach it how to build an amazing nest, and so went off to find it and learn.

The Little Bird wandered far and wide, and eventually came across a Cute Little Rabbit that seemed to be lost.

“What’s the matter?” the Little Yellow Bird asked.

“I’ve lost my way and can’t find my mother,” the Cute Little Rabbit said.

The Little Yellow Bird was enraged. “Your drunken, neglectful mother has abandoned, just like mine did!”

“No, I just got separated, I have to find he-”

“NO! She abandoned you because she’s a no good drunk! Stay with me! I’m going to find the greatest bird in the world, and learn how to build the best nest in the world, and we can live together without our stupid, drunken, neglectful mothers!”

It took a little doing, but the Little Yellow Bird finally convinced the Cute Little Rabbit to join, and off they went. Eventually in their travels, they found a Little Deer that was frolicking through the forest while its wise mother looked on.

The Little Yellow Bird was angry, for he knew, he just knew, that that terrible mother was waiting for the right moment to get drunk and neglect her child. The Little Yellow Bird decided to save the Little Deer from this horrible fate.

“We’ve got to DO something!” the Little Yellow Bird said.

“They seem happy,” the Cute Little Bunny said.

“No! She’s just going to hurt that Little Deer when she gets drunk and angry and neglectful!”

Fortunately for the Little Yellow Bird, the Cute Little Bunny had a gift for imitating the voices of other forest creatures, and so a plan was hatched. The Little Yellow Bird went off to talk to the Little Deer, while the Cute Little Bunny hung off the edge of a huge gorge in the forest and said in its best Little Deer voice, “Mother! Mother! Help, help! I’m going to fall!”

The Mother tore through the forest straight for the gorge and plunged to her death in her effort to save her child.

“At last!” the Little Yellow Bird said to the Little Deer, “You’ve been saved! You’ll never know the pain of your drunken, neglectful mother again!”

“But my mother doesn’t drink!” the Little Deer said in tears.

“They ALL drink,” the Little Yellow Bird said. “I know. Oh, I know. Join us! I’m building a nest!”

And so, with no mother, the Little Deer joined them. The trio went on, following the trail of the great bird in the sky, and eventually they found where it lived. It was a strange place, full of metal and steel, and many humans that used words like “Intercontinental Ballistic Missile system” and “Top Gun,” and “Air Defense Network.”

Here, they found one human that took pity on them, a huge, powerful man that was not too bright. Most of the people there called him “Village Idiot” or “Vi” for short as he swept up after the others. The Little Yellow Bird asked Vi, “Where is the Great Bird, please? I need to learn how to build nest for my friends and I.”

Vi looked at them and said, “Duh, what bird?”

The Little Yellow Bird explained and Vi said, “Oh, you mean the jets in the hanger! That’s over there,” he said, pointing to a large building with a curved ceiling. “That’s where they stay when the pilots don’t use them.”

“What’s a pilot?” The Little Yellow Bird asked.

“Duh, that’s the guy that flies the plane and lands it.”

“So the pilot takes care of the plane?” the Little Yellow Bird asked, getting angry.

“No, he just flies it.”

The Little Yellow Bird grew enraged. Even the Great Bird was victimized by an angry, neglectful, drunken mother and needed to be saved! The Little Yellow Bird WOULD save the great bird!

Fortunately, Vi, unbeknownst to most of the people on the base, was an idiot savant with a flair for manipulating military defensive systems! In short order, at the Little Yellow Bird’s request, he rigged the base so that all of its mines, sentry drones, missiles and automated
artillery guns turned on the foul abusers of the great bird and turned them into mangled, screaming bloody heaps that only lived for a few more minutes after their shredding. The great bird was saved!

The Little Yellow Bird, the Cute Little Bunny, the Little Dear and Vi went to the hanger and saw the great bird. It was beautiful. Vi told them that now that entire NORAD defense system was attacking itself and civilization was about to die, no one would need this hanger anymore, and that the three friends could live there. And so that’s what they did! And they lived happily ever after, with no more drunken, neglectful mothers to hurt them!


I never said this was a good bedtime story, did I?