My New Author’s Bio

In the wake of just how amazingly effective James Frey has been, I’ve been tinkering around with the idea of “revising” my personal history to make it more marketable. This is my new author’s bio:

Wayne Santos has been addicted to crack since he was in the womb. Unpopular, bullied and tormented by everyone from the doctor that delivered him to the furniture in the house, he grew up surly, misunderstood and was already breaking the law bank robbing and assassinating South American dictators by the age of three. He has consistently broken the law and defied the police, being an outlaw wanted in 54 states of America for the consumption of drugs (All of them. Simultaneously). The most traumatic time of his young life was when a girl he barely knew that he thought of as his best friend died in a horrible train accident when he knocked her and her boyfriend out, drove the car in front of train tracks, locked them in, and stood by as they screamed and he wrung his hands saying, “You were my only friend! I need the trauma in life, it makes me more tragic and likeable!” and she died, in a senseless accident that forever traumatized him and, curiously enough, made him more tragic and likeable with a justifiable chip on his shoulder to explain what came next.

He had his turning point when he was sent to rehab, courtesy of his immensely rich parents who supported his drug and revolutionary habits without question. While in rehab he also made friends with a gangster, a judge, a CEO of a multionational corporation specializing in operating systems for computers, a president of a country obssessed with invading Iraq, and Bigfoot, aka Sasquatch. He also met six former prostitutes who were there for drug addiction. They all continued to maintain a relationship wtih him but were extremely dependent on him and he spent an hour each day talking to them for ten minutes each on the phone when they got out ahead of him.

He later ended up serving 40 years in jail for running over a cop 12 times then beating up the corpse and setting fire to the house the cop’s family lived in. In jail he also befriended a 14 ton gorilla serving hard time for defacement of public property (He climbed the Empire State Building, wrecked an antenna, broke a few planes and hurled ape shit at pedestrians below) nicknamed “Kong” and spent many minutes reading “Curious George” stories to his cellmate. It had to be minutes since the 40 year sentence was reduced to 12 minutes thanks to intervention from the gangster, CEO and president who intervened on his behalf. Unfortunately, just 12 minutes before he was going to be released, the six girlfriends (All of whom he was deeply in love with) simultaneously committed suicide by hanging, jumping off the Grand Canyon, being fired out of a cannon and reading fictional memoirs purported to be the truth resulting in brain hemorraging.

He also, strictly for fun, ’cause that’s just the kind of HARD AS NAILS GUY HE IS, performed a root canal ON HIMSELF WITH NO ANASTHESIA WHATSOEVER, using a pogo stick, a magnesium flare for lighting, and setting his own foot on fire to increase the pain while using said flaming foot to kick several cops, all the while calling them pigs as he does his own dental work.

Every word in his books is true and happened to him exactly the way it was written, especially the part where he gets a bunch of Ayn Rand disciples drunk and has them singing Do You Believe In Magic? And if you don’t believe him, he’ll go on Oprah and say so, so there.