Dramatic Documentaries

It’s getting to the point where I’m absolutely convinced that channels like Discovery and National Geographics are singlehandedly responsible for giving the guys that do voice over work for movie trailers more jobs than they could ever have hoped for.

I’m not imagining this, right?

It seems like ever since Walking With Dinosaurs changed the face of documentaries by adding an element of cinematic drama to the proceedings, docos have been losing more and more substance and credibility and getting more and more “exciting” and “dramatic.”

I kind of reel in horror as I imagine how this new standard of infotainment would have affected the 80′s documentaries when they had no budget and relied on actually being full of ideas and substance to communicate to the audience. For example:

Cosmos:

Carl Sagan: I’m Carl “phasers on obliterate” Sagan and tonight we’re going into space where people DIE without the proper protection. That’s right, it’s the harshet, most dangerous environment known to man, and we’re going to explore its depths to see what happens when you puncture a guy’s space suit and time just how long it takes for explosive decompression to take place. Then, we’ll see how much suffering is experienced when an asteroid, no, a planet killer SMASHES into a world full of innocents! FORGET THE MAJESTY OF THE UNIVERSE, WE’RE HERE TO WATCH PEOPLE DIE! WE’RE TALKING BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF DEATHS!

Any Jacques Cousteau program:

JC: We could ride on the majestic whale shark and take in the awesome profundity that is the vast, teeming environment that is the pacific ocean, or, we can see what happens when a KILLER SHARK TEARS A MAN TO PIECES! REDUCING AN AVERAGE JOE LIKE YOU OR ME INTO SO MUCH QUIVERING, SCREAMING GOO! TONIGHT, ONLY ON JACQUES COUSTEAU’S OCEAN OF DEATH.

Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom with Marlin Perkins:

Marlin Perkins: Here, on the African Veldt, the cycle of hunter and hunted continues, striking a delicate balance between the herbivores and the predators that, cruel as it may seem to us, must necessarily keep the herbivore population in check. That is, until the arrival of my assistant Jim! Jim is about to enter the dangerous world of African predators, with lions that can gore and rip him to shreds in a matter of seconds! They may be fulfilling their role in nature, but more importantly, they’re fulfilling their role for our ratings as you, the viewer at home, watch savage, untamed beasts KILL A MAN BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES IN A BARBARIC DISPLAY OF SPILLED BLOOD AND GRISTLE, ONLY ON MUTUAL OF OMAHA’S KINGDOM OF SLAUGHTER, PAIN AND MASSACRE, WHERE PEOPLE DIE, AND DIE HORRIBLY!