Why Superman Is A Goody Two-Shoes

It recent days it has come to light that the upcoming movie Superman Returns will have a brief cameo by Hugh Jackman of X-Men movies fame playing young Pa Kent. Upon reading this bit of news, it immediately set off alarm bells in my head that crossed comic universes, and it dawned on me, with complete certainty, that I had stumbled upon the reason why Clark “Kal-El” Kent would be so abnormally dedicated to playing it as straight as he possibly could; he was a victim of the usual rebellion we all go through where we try to end up nothing like our parents. Witness:

About Truth:

Ma Kent: Honey, where’ve you two been?

Clark “Young Superman” Kent: Dad was busy talking to Mrs. Lang about meeting him for drinks at the-… I don’t feel so good…

[He slumps to the ground as his father pockets the kryptonite he'd put on the back of his neck]

Pa “Wolverine” Kent: Uh… Clark ain’t feeling so good after all that excitement, he touched a girl and all, you know how traumatizing that can be for the boy.

CK: Dad… that’s… a lie…

PK: Sometimes you gotta’ hide the truth from the ones you love.

CK: Can’t… be… right…

About Justice:

PK: C’mon, bub, do it.

CK: But dad, that’s not very sportsman like.

PK: “Sportsman like”? Listen, bub, this ain’t sport, this is huntin’, I’m the best there is at what I do, and what I do ain’t very nice at all.

CK: You’re a farmer.

PK: Shut it, runt, I’m talkin’ here. Now you see that deer? That deer may be fast, might even be too fast for me with my augmented speed and mutant healing factor, but you? Ain’t no way that thing is going to outrun them lasers in your eyes.

CK: YOU’RE SUCH A LOUSE, I HATE YOU!

PK: Yeah, yeah, cry me a river, and pass me that beer.

CK: I’m never going to drink beer like you!

PK: [Burping] Great, more brewskis for me.

About Patriotism:

PK: AMERICA CAN SUCK ON MY BIG, HAIRY, ADAMANTIUM LACED BUTT.

CK: Geez, dad, if you hate this country so much why are you here?!?

PK: Taxes, kid. Back in Canada the taxes are way too high, but these suckers, hell, they’ll always cut you some slack provided you scratch their back. Or impale the back of an undesirable political thorn that needs an adamantium claw running through it. Heh, pigs.

CK: I don’t think that’s right, dad! I think you should have more respect for this country!

PK: CANADA IS BETTER, AND THAT’S FINAL, BUB.

CK: NO! IT’S ALL ABOUT THE AMERICAN WAY, EH?

PK: Oh, shut your yap and hand me that cigar.

CK: I swear to God, I’m never going to smoke and smell like you.

About The Sanctity Of Life:

CK: Oh my GOD, WHAT ARE DOING?!?

PK: Disembowelling someone for fun before slipping into a psychotic, cannibalistic rage and eating their steaming entrails raw, what does it look like?

CK: BUT… WHY?!?

PK: Bub, sometimes people, they just need killing.

CK: What’d he do?

PK: Nothin’, I just didn’t like the look of him.

CK: You can’t just kill people because you feel like it, dad!

PK: Son, this is America, you damn well can. You think you’re still alive at school because you’re a good kid? It’s ’cause you’re BULLET PROOF, that’s why…

CK: Life is sacred and killing is wrong!

PK: You will kill indiscriminantly and you will like it, bub. I raised you to be Weapon Y, and you will do your father proud and become the greatest covert ops mutant assassin that world has ever seen!

CK: NO! I HATE YOU! I’M GOING TO RUN AWAY AND FIGHT FOR COMMON DECENCY AND NOT WEAR A MASK AND DO NICE THINGS FOR PEOPLE, AND DO SOMETHING NOBLE LIKE… LIKE… JOURNALISM! I’LL NEVER BE LIKE YOU!!

PK: FINE, BE THAT WAY! DON’T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN YOU CAN’T GET LAID, YA’ PANSY…