Moisturizing Liquid Soap

So it occurred to me today while shopping with the Wife that I’ve never seen a soap commercial that catered to the very special needs of Basic Military Training drill sergeants:

EXT. A NAMELESS ARMY TRAINING CAMP. DAY.

Two drill sergeants are sitting on top of new recruits that are doing push ups. The sergeants are huge, virile, hunks of sadistic, white anglo-saxon male protestant masculinity so straight you could draw lines with ‘em for geometry class.

Drill Sergeant 1: SOMETIMES I DON’T GET THAT FRESH FEELING!

Drill Sergeant 2: I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN, SERGEANT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE MEANS, PRIVATE?

Soldier: YES!

DS2: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?

Soldier: Sir, yes sir!

DS2: YOU WILL GIVE ME FOUR THOUSAND AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!

Soldier: SIR, YES SIR!

DS2: I JUST WISH THAT THERE WERE A SOAP THAT UNDERSTANDS OUR SENSITIVE NEEDS!

DS1: YEAH, A SOAP THAT SAYS “HEY, I MAY TALK LIKE I HAVE A BULL HORN SURGICALLY IMPLANTED IN MY DIAPHRAGM BUT THAT DON’T MEAN BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN DIDN’T MAKE ME CRY!”

They stare at each other meaningfully and then break gaze as the privates they sit on continue to do push ups.

DS2: ANYWAY, HAVE YOU TRIED VELVET FIST SOAP?

DS1: WHAT’S THAT?

DS2: IT’S WHAT IT SAYS, A SOAP FULL OF NUTRIENTS AND MOISTURIZERS THAT FEELS LIKE VELVET ON YOUR HANDS!

DS1: THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE KIND OF SOAP FOR ME, THE KIND OF SOAP THAT SAYS, “YEAH, I LIKE BEATING OLD MEN SENSELESS, BUT THAT DON’T MEAN I CAN’T ENJOY SOME NICE CHINESE SILK STOCKINGS ON MY LEGS FROM TIME TO TIME!”

DS2: EXACTLY, IT’S THE KIND OF SOAP THAT REALLY UNDERSTANDS WHAT IT IS TO BE A REAL MAN, A MAN THAT ACTS TOUGH BUT HAS THE HEART OF A PANSY!

Soldier: Sir, I enjoy knitting, sir!

They stare.

DS1: I’M GONNA’ KILL YOU, YOU QUEER FREAK!

Ka-Lee-For-Ny-Ay

It’s official.

After being given the go ahead by the boys at GameAxis I have gone and filed my registration for the Electronic Entertainment Expo, better known as E3, the big Los Angeles industry show at which all the game developers show of their wares to the shameless whores–read game journalists–who salivate over the glitzy new games and then scurry back to the sunless cubicles to eat more pizza and rhapsodize about the fact that they just saw and played games that the rest of the public won’t be able to touch for any where from 3 months to three years.

I have been wanting to go to one of these things for, like, EVER.

I guess sometimes being a geek does have its fringe benefits.

And in other news, tomorrow I have to talk to a bunch of teenagers about the games industry. More on that after the fact…