Razors Are Getting Too Masculine

A couple of days ago while shopping for groceries with the Wife, I noticed once again that razors put on sale, in particular the Gillette brand, have the most tremendously turbo-charged, super-testosterone injected, hyper masculine names. I mean, we’re talking about a hunk of plastic that holds some sharp steel so you can remove pubic hair on your face. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Something like that hardly deserves the Uber Male moniker “Mach 3 TURBO” Razor or “M3 Power NITRO!” It kind of got me to thinking about the only logical place this kind of aggressive marketing can go…

SCENE:

EXTERIOR. A BATTLEFIELD WITH SOLDIERS, NINJAS AND WRESTLERS ALL ATTACKING EACH OTHER.

A Wrestler stops pummeling a ninja to address the camera.

Wrestler: Hi! I’m a straight, heterosexual male that just happens to love greasing up and touching other men! Because I’m straight and will only touch other men when paid to do so, I only shave with THIS.

[He raises his hand and camera zooms in on THE ANNIHILATOR, a new razor blade]

Wrestler: After shaving my face and armpits with this, I really feel like a REAL MAN! But don’t take my word for it, just ask this guy!

[A flamboyantly dressed hairdresser giggles and steps into frame]

Hairdresser: I was a gay as gay could be until I accidently shaved with the ANNIHILATOR! Now, I’ve decided to study to be a car mechanic, and I’m interested in girls! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go buy some 15 year old t-shirts with rips in them and get a barbecue going! Whoo hoo!

[A bald girl in army fatigues steps up. She holds a picture of what appears to be herself in a stunning evening gown, with lustrous blonde hair]

Bald Girl: I used to be an ordinary, beautiful, vivacious woman who was only interested in finding the right guy, until one morning, after a torrid affair with a rich executive, I needed to shave my legs and only the ANNIHILATOR was around to use! It turned me into a bull dyke lesbian and now I’m only interested in women, I hate dresses, and I’m going to join the army!

Voice Over: Yes, the ANNIHILATOR is the razor so masculine it can actually drastically realter your lifestyle and sexual orientation! Use it at your own risk! That is, unless you’re AFRAID TO BE A REAL MAN!!