Always A Sign Your Article Won’t Win A Pulitzer

You mention breast examinations and Joan of Arc as part of the same topic.

Don’t ask. Just don’t.

On the other hand, my Kingdom Hearts II review is view-able here.

Why I Should Not Be In Product Design

Because my idea of a good litter for cats is “Shitty Kitty: For The Kitten That’s Shittin’.”

Rumble Roses Quote Of The Day

Aigle, the Mongolian wrestling girl upon meeting Dixie Clemets, the big boned gal from Texas:

“Cowgirl have magnificent teats. But my sheep have MORE magnificent teats!”

Whoever came up with that was a freakin’ GENIUS.

More Comic Geekdom

I finally got this:

So I’m a happy camper.

If you’re not familiar with who or what The Ultimates are, I’m going to be lazy and just cut n’ paste the article I wrote for GameAxis which debuted in this month’s free issue, so it’s perfectly okay to include it here now:

This one is for the old timers who might have given up.

You know who you are. Children of the 70′s that grew up hip deep in the era of tights and capes, of men and women larger than life, granted unbelievable power that did things so far beyond the scope of human comprehension that it was almost impossible to take them seriously anymore. I’m talking about superheroes so super they took themselves right out of any familiar frame of reference and rendered themselves almost irrelevant except for what their limited edition, 1^st printing, silver foil cover—not removed from its poly—would fetch on the market on resale.

I’ll admit it, part of my malaise from comics stemmed from Marvel. I was never a big fan of Marvel comics growing up. Except for the—at the time fresh and surprising—angst of the X-Men, Marvel superheroes were simply impossible for me to care about. That’s not to say that DC was the height of literary accomplishment, but at least they tried to reach for it. In particular amonst the more unimpressive titles in the Marvel line up of the 80′s was their answer to DC’s Justic League, the Avengers. The great heroes of Marvel, Captain America, Iron Man, Thor and occasionally the Hulk teamed up fight criminals as a team, and generally bored me out of my skull when they did it.

I’m telling you all this now because you need to know that there is now redemption and it comes from Marvel’s line of alternative Marvel Universe Ultimate titles. No longer are they even the Avengers, but simply, The Ultimates. And they are one of the best superhero team books I’ve ever seen.

The Ultimates: A Brief History

In 2000 Marvel began a new “Ultimate” imprint that was a completely independent, revised version of the original Marvel universe, but jettisoned all the decades of history and continuity that had accrued to the original universe like barnacles on a 50 year old ship. This attempt to give the heroes of Marvel a more cultural and historical relevance in the 21^st century paid off. One of the biggest successes has been the Ultimates.

It’s still the Avengers, there’s still Captain America, there’s still Iron Man, Thor, the Wasp, Giant Man and even the Hulk, but under the writing of Mark Millar—himself an edgy writer who takes concepts to shocking extremes—the title has gone from being merely another spandex orgy of violence into something that resonates with real emotion, real consideration for modern global politics and real ideas that challenge the notion comics are simple and naive.

In this universe, George W. Bush is president, summoning vast armies to fight your enemy costs millions, if not billions, of dollars, and even a superhero can feel insecure enough about himself that he will hit his wife when she starts questioning his capability. Captain America has still been fished out of suspended animation after a seemingly fatal final mission near the end of WWII, and his 40′s sensibilities are at odds with the more politically correct, emotionally sensitive era he is revived in. Tony Stark, also known as Iron Man, is a flamboyant playboy billionaire who is equal parts Richard Branson and Bill Gates in terms of his flair for the media and mechanical genius. But most refreshing of all, Thor, the god of thunder, still insists that he is, in fact the son of Odin and a resident of Asgard, but these assertions are regarded as the ravings of an incredibly powerful individual that just so happens to have a history of mental instability and psychosis.

Where Are They Now

The Ultimates first debuted in 2001 with a storyline that, of course, set up their origin. They are a government sponsored group that benefits from co-operation with the American military as well as the backing of elite counter-terrorist and intelligence agency S.H.I.E.L.D., with the head of that group, Nick Fury as the liason for the Ultimates. The group was created in response to the realization that military and political supremacy was no longer a matter of the biggest army, or the big
gest bomb, but the use and application of altered humans with abilities that often eclipsed conventional armies and weapons. Into this world of altered humans and mutants, America decided to have its own meta-human group directly under its control and the Ultimates are it. Steve Rogers, the first success America ever had in human alteration, was the legendary soldier of WWII known as Captain America. Recovered and revived from suspended animation, he is now the leader of the Ultimates, composed of Iron Man, billionaire Tony Stark who created his own high tech battlesuit, Thor, an immensely power being capable of controlling the weather with delusions of godhood, Hank and Janet Pym, the husband a brilliant scientist who has created a procedure for growing or shrinking based on the DNA of his mutant wife Janet can shrink to the size of a Wasp complete with wings. Then there’s Dr. Bruce Banner, the prototype nerd who failed in his attempts to replicate the Super Soldier serum that created Captain America, and resulted in his becoming the Hulk when he tested the formula on himself.

This motley, neurotic crew debuted with the Ultimates, the first storyline about the formation of the team and their first major crisis against shape-shifting aliens that had infiltrated key positions around the world. That storyline finally ended in 2004 and the second major arc, dubbed Ultimates 2 is still now in release with a planned conclusion later this year. That storyline, taking place one year after the events of the first arc, start with the team being driven apart by a traitor somewhere in their midst and goes beyond this into global politics that are frightening in their implications about how America would use super powered individuals and how the rest of the world reacts to it.

The Ultimates have already been gathered into trade paperbacks. The first arc is in wide release with volume 1 Superhuman and Volume 2, Homeland Security already out. The first issues of Ultimates 2, Gods & Monsters is already available for sale, but as of March, only issue 10 of the comic is out, with a conclusion set for issue 12 in June.

On another note, one of the reasons this works so well is because of the writer, Mark Millar. I really like Millar’s stuff, but not in the same way I like Moore, or Gaiman. Millar, is kind of like what Claremont was, or Frank Miller is, a crafter of a compelling tale that isn’t necessarily deep, or even emotionall affecting, but is one hell of a wild ride. He is the master of shock narrative, and does things that make you think, “No way, that can’t happe- OH MY GOD, IT IS!!” and for that, I’m always going to enjoy him. He may not change my life, but DAMN if he doesn’t tell a good story.

Real, Ultimate Literature!

Now this guy I have to admire.

It’s another one of those artifacts of the internet that online culture begins to accrete to, but I think most people know of Real Ultimate Power, quite possibly one of the funniest websites I have ever encountered, and a constant source of inspiration to me when it comes time to flip out and kill people. The site is essentially the fictional ravings of demented 10 year old Robert Hamburger and his opinions on Ninjas. Possibly even funnier than the actual website itself is the genuine hatemail that was sent by real people who were so angry that they actually threatened to kill what they believed to be an ignorant 10 year old child.

Well, imagine my surprise today then when I found this:

The part that really kills me about all this is the obvious care and knowledge of literature that the good people at Kinokuniya bookstore put into this. The Wife is working on a project that requires visual references of martial artists, so not only was this NOT found in the humor section, it was found in the sports section, specificually Martial Arts, specifically Karate/Ninjitsu.

Totally sweet.

It’s Done

I’ll be starting my review on Kingdom Hearts II in the not too distant future, but in the meantime, the short version is:

Some gameplay mechanics improved, others got seriously dumbed down. This makes the majority of the game very, very easy, with the exception of some bosses, speaking of which…

A lot of boss fights are pretty gimmicky, falling back on a “God of War-lite” version of context sensitive special attacks, and many of them (In particular any Organization XIII bosses) rely on making the boss invincible and making you pick certain moments of vulnerability to attack. It feels like a cheap way to extend the length and pump up the difficulty of the some of these fights, because there were many times when I was able to move in and lay down some lethal combos only to have them bounce off because “vulnerable mode” hadn’t kicked in yet. I didn’t like the fact that I could dodge and twist like a son of a bitch and evade all that insane damage from the attacks only to be denied a legitimate strike because the game forced me to attack at certain points. If I had the ability to get in close to enough to hit, I should damn well be allowed to do some damage. I could understand this if it were one of those heavily armored type bosses that exposes a weak point only after you bust the armor up or dodge the incoming fire, but these are guys in black robes, I don’t see a shield generator on them anywhere…

It did not surpass the first game in terms of story. I got closure, which was good, but somehow looking for Riku and Kairi just didn’t quite seem to match the scale of fighting for the preservation of worlds against a tide of darkness. Also, there’s no way a happy ending is going to match the pathos of the separation and sacrifice involved in the ending of the first game.

Oh well.

So yes, now posts will be a decent size again, although I WILL be continuing to play Suikoden V, though at a much more leisurely pace, in order to play a “perfect game” with all 108 characters recruited. After that, I’ll either start on Kingdom Hearts II again as well to get the special ending for 100% completion, or, meet up with an old acquaintance, Lara Croft, and see how she’s changed in the new Tomb Raider game.

Square-Enix: Masters Of Marketing

This is how insidious Squenix is.

After attaching myself to the characters and seeing them share quiet, simple moments of happiness, usually like this:

I come home today to find that after huge amounts of exposure to blue ice cream in the game, we now have this at home:

And it tastes surprisingly good. Plus it makes my heart strong and mighty so I can defeat the endless tides of Heartless while searching for incredibly naive but attractive jail-bait that any Homeland Security personnel like Brian Doyle would be happy to get acquainted with. Or something like that…

Two Quick Kingdom Hearts II Observations

Running around in the MCP is so freakin’ cool I could puke.

That fight in Hollow Bastion did things I didn’t know the PS2 was capable of. Not since Aragorn’s charge at the Orcs in the final half hour of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King have I watched one person wade into the mob like that and think, “Holy CRAP.”

Another Short Post

Because Kingdom Hearts is sucking up all my time…

Oops

Nearly forgot to make a post today.

Not there’s anything to say, Kingdom Hearts 2 gaming continues. Sort of makes a good case for “Don’t say anything if you really don’t have anything to say,” but heck at least no one can accuse me of not updating the blog. They’re just incredibly terse, boring, uninteresting entries, but they’re updated!