Yet Another Politically Incorrect Heroine

This will make more sense to Singapore readers than Canadian ones without some kind of explanation, so I’ll provide one here.

In South East Asia, one of the cultural cliches commonly held by people in the region is that the people of Philippines are a warm, friendly artistically talented people prone to bouts of revolution, kidnapping and knife fighting 30 on 1. As a result of this rather “dynamic” national lifestyle, quite of them are always trying to get out of the country, resulting in two major stereotypes; the long haired band member playing cover tunes in a hotel, or the maid is two degrees short of slavery, looking after kids, cleaning up the house, shopping for groceries and getting harrassed by her employers who take out the frustrations they have with their own work or relationships on someone who will not complain too much for fear of getting their work permit cancelled.

Thus, I present to you, the tragic, yet heroic story of one very special maid. Her name is Honey Mercado, but evil doers (And mean employers) around the region know her as the

MAID

(Cue steel plate with word “Maid” engraved on it slapping down with accompanying metallic sound effect)

OF

(Cue steel plate with word “Of” engraved on it slapping down with accompanying metallic sound effect)

HONOR

(Cue steel plate with word “Honor” engraved on it slapping down with accompanying metallic sound effect. The entire collection of steel plates bursts into flame. Cue trumpets.)

Yes, Honey Mercado is a girl with a destiny. Having found at an early age that she was the natural genetic equivalent of Bruce Lee in the arts of Arnis (Filipino stick fighting, prounced “Ar-Nees”) and dirty fighting, she fought crime at a very young age, until one day, her mother, now plagued with a fatal disease, begged her to stop her dangerous, not very Good Little Catholic Girl ways and do something more safe and respectable, that would still allow her to send money home. And so Honey, vowing to obey her mother, gave up on the dangerous life of a stick fighting, crotch kicking crime fighter and took up a lowly, but spiritually affirming life as a maid, looking after children, sweeping floors and washing laundry.

UNTIL FATE STEPPED IN ONCE AGAIN…

Though she may deny her destiny, destiny still has its eye on Honey, like a car-jacker staring at an unlocked Bentley. And for all her attempts to lead a simple, humble life, she continually finds her Catholic wholesomeness and humility challenged by the very people she works for.

A typical scenario goes something like this.

Employer: That’s enough, Honey, thank you.

Maid Of Honor: Yes, Mister.

[She leaves. The employer goes over to the book shelf and pulls on a 2000 page hard cover compilation of Curious George, thus activating a secret sliding door in the book shelf that reveals A CAGE FULL OF PRETTY LITTLE WHITE BOYS AND GIRLS!]

Employer: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Now I can continue my evil, EVIL career as a trafficker in caucasian children to desperate parents and commercial directors all throughout South East Asia that want to have their very own Haley Joel Osmett or Natalie Portman circa Leon The Professional! I’M SO EVIL AND CRAFTY, NOTHING CAN STOP ME!

[MOH steps back into the room, thoughtfully providing a snack]

MOH: Mister, would you like some Halo ha- AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Children: I SEE MAID PEOPLE! HELP! HELP US, PLEASE!

Employer: Just pretend you didn’t see anything, Honey, and you’ll get a nice, fat raise, and maybe even Saturday off.

MOH: I CANNOT LET YOU ABUSE THESE POOR CHILDREN! IN THE NAME OF GOD, BRUCE LEE AND JIMI HENDRIX, I WILL DO MY JOB AND CLEAN THIS HOUSE OF ALL ITS FILTH!

[MOH breaks her near by broom in half and proceeds to beat her employer into 12 different shades of blue]

Employer: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?

MOH: CLEANING YOUR HOUSE AND YOUR ACT, CRIMINAL!

It goes without saying that at this point, she loses her job, has to return to the maid agency, and gets reassigned to another employer. This time an opiate manufacturer. However, despite it all, she still manages to get to the Western Union once a month and wire a few dollars back home to mom in the hospital.