Brokeback Blood

I was filled a strange, almost painful sense of nostalgia today when I got hit with the double-whammy of being informed that Sylvester Stallone was working on both a Rocky 6 AND Rambo 4 picture. I don’t care how bad either movie is, I want to see them both (Though after watching the trailer for Rocky 6, I have a feeling that Electronic Arts is going to have a field day with next year’s Fight Night iteration, since the whole plot of this movie is “Rocky is inspired to return to the ring after seeing a video game simulation in which his digital counterpart beats the current champion) since they both represent a seminal elements of 80′s pop culture. One proved that sheer stubborness will prevail over physics, while the other proved that as long as you’re American, you can run around shirtless with only two guns and kill a thousand people and/or tanks and helicopters singlehandedly.

It got me to thinking that what I’d really like to see, especially in light of Nicholas Cage’s amazing work in Adaptation is a movie in which Sly portrays both Rambo and Rocky, as they realize that all the nihilistic machismo they evinced in the 80′s was merely a hysterial, testosterone infused denial of their feelings for each other which needed a violent outlet.

In other words, Rocky and Rambo occasionally take vacations out to the mountains where they hang out, freely express their love for each other, and then return to their lives, forced to keep their love a shameful secret that slowly destroys not them, but all the people they damage in an effort to keep it under wraps.

A few choice scenes from the film go thusly:

Ext. Mountains. Day.

Rambo faces Rocky after a passionate hug.

Rambo: [Tearfully] I’m your worst nightmare…

Rocky: ‘CAUSE I CAN’T GET YOU OUTTA’ MY HEART! I WISH I COULD QUIT YOUUUU!

They hug and weep, then eat bananas and popsicles while constantly maintaining eye contact.

Ext. Jungle. Day.

Rambo kills thousands of non-American, non-democratic, non-Christian, non-white people who are holding a girl who adores him prisoner. He frees the girl from her cage as more NA/ND/NC/NW people arrive with guns and applications for American citizenship.

Girl: RAMBO! YOU’VE SAVED ME! I’M SO HAPPY IT’S YOU!

Rambo: [Wistfully] It must be wonderful… to get to be with someone you love, and say it just once… out loud… like that… [Stares off into horizon while horde of soldiers and immigrants descends from the hill]

Girl: RAMBO! MORE OF THOSE GUYS THAT DIDN’T VOTE FOR GEORGE BUSH BECAUSE THEY CAN’T VOTE AND AREN’T EVEN FROM A CIVILIZED DEMOCRATIC SOCIETY ANYWAY!

Rambo: YOU KEEP TAKING ME AWAY FROM THE MOUNTAIN! HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

[A thousand people die]

Int. Boxing Ring.

Rocky is facing off against the scourge of the Middle East Albeatyu Sillay, who previously killed his friend in an exhibition match. While the Albeatyou has been training by consuming the stem cells of Christian babies and having his muscles exposed to gamma radiation twice daily, Rocky has been training jumping off mountains and getting run over by Clydesdale horses set on fire. The two combatants face off for honor and the win.

AS: YOU HAVE NO CHANCE AGAINST ME, FOR MY NON-CHRISTIAN GOD IS ON MY SIDE AND SINCE ALL NON-CHRISTIAN RELIGIONS ARE BASED ON ZEALOUS FANATICISM, AS ALL AMERICANS KNOW, I MUST KILL IN THE NAME OF MY GOD!

Rocky: You can’t beat America!

AS: YOU AND YOUR PITIFUL RAMBO DON’T SCARE M-

Rocky: [In killing fury] DON’T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT JOHN RAMBO, YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT! HUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Rocky punches him and severing his head from his body and embedding it in a satellite dedicated to broadcasting the Cartoon Network to the Netherlands region.