My Incredibly Helpful Solution

Recently it has come to my attention that sometimes people suffer from a certain discomfort in public when they see a vagrant, hobo or other Person Of Transient Address wandering the street mumbling to themselves. The general public finds this sort of behavior odd and disturbing. They find it perverse that someone would simply walk in any particular direction, staring blankly, not really seeing the world around them while they babble incoherently about something that makes sense only to them and whatever imaginary companion accompanies them.

I suddenly realized what the perfect solution to this is.

Give them cellular phone headsets.

For whatever reason, when we see someone walking down the street displaying THE EXACT SAME BEHAVIOR, but we see the earpiece and wire dangling towards some pocket–presumably where the phone is–this is suddenly Perfectly Okay, and we keep on walking, our confidence that all is right with the world still intact.

Witness the world of difference:

Bum With No Headset:

Bum: Bastards! All of them bastards! I told them, but they wouldn’t listen, and look what’s happened! There’s going to be hell to pay, I warned them, I did, but no one ever listens…

Pathetic, isn’t it? Now witness Guy In Business Suit Angrily Striding Down Street With Cellular Phone And Headest

Executive: Bastards! All of them bastards! I told them, but they wouldn’t listen, and look what’s happened! There’s going to be hell to pay, I warned them, I did, but no one ever listens…

See? Suddenly, the man is important! Is making a contribution, is Doing Something Respectable.

Now, we try it with the Bum. This is the Bum With Cellular Headset:

BWCH: Bastards! All of them bastards! I told them, but they wouldn’t listen, and look what’s happened! There’s going to be hell to pay, I warned them, I did, but no one ever listens…

Our poor homeless twit now walks the streets with the air of legitimacy and raw sardines. As long as he’s talking into a mouthpiece and not the air, he’s just another productive member of society speaking out loud to no one in particular, but now he’s doing it with PLASTIC, and that makes all the difference…