New Propaganda Pseudo/Retro/Neo-50′s/Post-Modern/Public-Service Revival!

Because I too must utilize the public transportation system a few times a week to get down to the GameAxis office, I’ve been bombarded during the morning with the a new public service video that runs on the LCD monitors hanging from the ceiling of every train station. These videos, done in a completely unironic, sincere, recreation of 50′s style public service films shown to kids in school, instructs train passengers on the appropriate action to take in the event that someone should try to plant a bomb on the train.

The videos faithfully follow the structure of films 50 years past with bad music, bad acting and a voice over that praises the actions of the participants. An example:

Man in sunglasses pushes a bag under his seat, then stands up and walks to the connector between train cars. Mary, a passenger notices this.

Mary: Excuse me, you’ve left your bag!

The man looks down then walks away anyway.

Narrator: That’s right, Mary! You should always notify someone when they’ve left their bag behind!

John: Excuse me! Hey’ve you’ve left your bag behind!

Terrorist: [Looks down at bag, then waves hand dismissively and says in broken English] Not mine, not mine…

Narrator: HM! This is very suspicious!

After being exposed to this for the last few weeks, I now present my much more entertaining and commercially marketable version.

[OPEN WITH THE 20TH CENTURY FOX LOGO, FOLLOWED BY THE SHIMMERING LUCASFILM LOGO]

Narrator chimes in now, but instead of sounding like an enthusiastic nerd, we now have Hollywood VO guy who has been smoking cigarettes since the age of three]

Narrator: It is a city, like any other…

[Cut to woman crying on train holding a bloody body]

Woman: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Narrator: A city with a purpose…

[Cut to man pushing another man up against the wall of the train. Cut to bead of sweat falling from assaulted man's brow as they stare each other down]

Assaulting Man: You’re going to DO it, and DO IT NOW!

Narrator: A city that is ABOUT TO DIE…

[Orchestral sting cuts in, a rapid fire montage accompanies showing a car chase, a helicopter zooming between buildings and an explosion]

Narrator: And it all starts with a bag on a train…

[Man dressed up in extremist terrorist clothing jumps onto a train with a transparent suitcase through which a pack of semtex and a detonator can be clearly seen]

Terrorist: I AM JUST A PASSENgER, MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS BY ALLAH! IGNORE ME OR I SHALL KILL YOU IN MY FANATICAL ZEAL TO ENTER PARADISE FOR THE JIHAD, WHICH IS WHAT ALL MORNING COMMUTERS DO!

[Mary from previous video stands up, wearing a trench coat.]

Mary: I don’t THINK so…

[She pulls at trench coat to reveal body tight latex suit and bandolier bristling with grenades and ammunition]

Terrorist: [In surprise] ALLAHJIHAD! I FORGOT MY CELLPHONE IN THE OTHER CAR, I’LL JUST…

[He tries to drop the suitcase, which is beeping wildly]

Suitcase: WARNING, WARNING, FISSION REACTION ENABLED. YOU NOW HAVE THREE MINUTES TO REACH MINIMUM SAFE DISTANCE.

Mary: [Brandishing a twin full-auto pistols] Drop the bomb, terrorist.

Terrorist: AI! HOW DID YOU KNOW?!

Mary: I can smell evil.

Terrorist: But can you smell… NINJAS?!

[A troupe of ninjas appears from nowhere and begins rapidly cycling through various martial arts poses, punctuating each move with "KI-YAI!"]

Mary: Do you like primates and beer?

Terrorist: What?

Mary: I said, do you like primates and beer?

Terrorist: What does that have to do with my ninjas?

Mary: ‘CAUSE YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET A FACEFUL OF DRUNKEN MONKEY FIST! HEEEEE-YAH!

[Mary proceeds to kick 12 different kinds of ass while a plucky reporter and her kid sidekick defuse the bomb while getting talked through it by specialists over the radio]

See, I like my version better…