“Elmo Love Cutting Wrists!”

Lately both the Wife and I have been on a kick where we are once again turning an extremely critical eye to that latest bout of Youth Ideology known as Emo. It got to the point where I realized that this damn thing needs some better marketing in order to help us Old, Terminally Unhip Fogies and young children under the age of 10 understand exactly what this Emo stuff is all about. And so, as both a learning tool and toy for children, I present, with extremely bad photo-shopping skills (and the help of the Wife for word balloons) my solution to letting both young and old understand them crazy kids.

Tickle Me Emo!

This new doll has a built in vibrator that makes TME shudder in despair whenever he is poked and prodded by an uncaring world that doesn’t understand him. TME was raised with a horrifying childhood that defies all sanity or description, thus creating the traumatized, but deeply stylish and good looking wreck you see before you! When touched or poked, he confesses in jarring sobs, his deep, dark childhood secret that warped him so.

“It… it was… Oh God, I can’t go on… It was… safe! And boring! And… and… OH GOD, IT WAS MIDDLE CLASS, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE, I’M SO TORMENTED, HOLD MEEEE!”

When hugged, TME cries hysterically.

TME has a far greater range of interactivity than previous toys. In the presence of a flash camera, his photo-sensitive sensors will cause him to tilt his head down so his hair covers one eye while he grabs one arm in a deliberately insecure, yet androgynous sexually provocative manner.

TME will also only kiss boys, but not because he’s gay, so much as he’s just confused.

He also comes with several free pairs of razor blades so that you can play the hot new teenage game “Slashin’ For Fashion” which involves creating the most esthetically pleasing cuts on the arm for both style and the attention of counselors and girls wanting to “rescue a beautiful soul from his dark side if only he’d sleep with me.”

It goes without saying that TME comes programmed with several phrases. Here’s just a small sample of the Emo-isms you will enjoy.

“Nobody UnderSTAAAAAAAAAAAANDS! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

“Life is so black. So bleak. WAAAAAAAAAAH!”

“Don’t touch me there unless you’re a boy! WAAAAAAAH!”

“My life is an empty void. It’s like a poem… without words, y’know? Isn’t that the saddest thing you’ve ever heard? WAAAAAAAAH!”

“What can I cry about today?”

“This reminds of a poem I wrote once when I was really upset, let me recite it for you…”

“This reminds me of a girl who dumped me… WAAAAAAH!”

“This reminds me of a girl I like who I can’t speak to because I’m afraid she’ll dump me. WAAAAAH!”

“I have this perfect vision in my head of the angel girl who will save me from my black, black heart… But then she dumps me! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

“Do you have any idea who much it makes my paper heart bleed when you say you don’t understand how getting a shirt that fits properly instead of being to tight hurts me?!? WAAAAAAAAAAH!”

“I wanna’ kill myself! That’s so cool!”

“Let’s cut ourselves! It’ll be so fun and cool and tormented!”

“Ernie and Bert keep picking on me and Bert won’t kiss me anymore! WAAAAAAAH!”

Compared the original Tickle Me Elmo, this one is a steal at only $1000, and each one is an organic product that is acquired through a fair trade deal with the indigenous people of a country known as China where they get a penny for 8 hours of happy work in a nice, warm factory set to a comforting 38 degrees Celsius, and you get the doll knowing that you’ve just made someone in China a whole penny richer while at the same time getting to wallow with Elmo about how unfair your suburbanite, middle class existence is. AIN’T IT GREAT?!