Have Geek, Will Travel

Well, what a bizarre day today turned out to be.

The story begins just a couple of days back when I was given an assignment by Playworks to cover some of the gaming events that will be occurring around the island. Tournaments for real time strategy games like Age of Mythology, Rise of Nations, or fighters like Soul Calibur 2. Since I’d never covered a gaming event (usually just sitting around spectating) I was kind of curious to see how I’d fare as a journalist this time.

Alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

The head honcho of the magazine called me in as I was playing around with Flight Simulator 2004. I had to go down to the office because they needed a review of the game and my PC (at a paltry 450 MHz) was in simply no condition to run it, let alone store the 3 gigs it demanded in terms of hard drive space. So while I was playing the game (Yes, I picked a 747. Yes, I took off from La Guardia. Yes, I flew to Manhattan. Yes, I crashed it into a building. I couldn’t help it…) I was taken in by the Chief and asked if I could go down to the Eastern end of the island (Called Pasir Ris, I lived there for my first two years) and attend a Microsoft press conference that was going to cover all the X-Boxy goodness coming to Singapore in the next few months. I figured that would be interesting and said, “Sure.” Then I found out it was on the same day as a Soul Calibur tournament I was supposed to be covering and, for reasons that escaped me at the time, the Chief took me off that and put me on the press conference instead and told me it was all fixed.

Then he asked me if I could demo a game.

I didn’t understand, and he said that at the press conference, they were also going to be previewing a couple PC games, and one of them was going to be Flight Simulator, so he wondered if I’d be willing to play it. Apparently Microsoft Singapore had been reading the magazine recently and asked for Shoeless Wayne Santos to comment on the games since he seemed so knowledgeable about gaming.

“That’s it?” I asked rather suspiciously.

“Well, and talk about it a little bit. Just what you like or don’t like about it. Don’t worry, it’s not a high pressure situation, just a little room in a chalet, with a computer, people sitting around. Almost like talkng to your friends when you show them a new game.”

“Oh,” I said. “Okay, that sounds cool. I’m in.”

“Can you do Rise of Nations too?”

“I didn’t play Rise of Nations, I don’t know anything about it.”

“But you wrote that Rise of Nations feature.”

“I read the ‘net and lied through my teeth. Come on, you know my PC can’t handle it. You’d better let the reviewer do it.”

He nodded glumly and I went back to trying to skim my Cessna off George Washington’s nose on Mt. Rushmore.

So yesterday, while doing research on the ‘net, I got an SMS request on my phone to get onto MSN messenger by the Chief for a talk. I don’t have MSN and so I resorted to using the Girlfriend’s computer since I stubbornly try not to take in a more than necessary Bill Quotient on my machine.

Chief: The reviewer can’t make it, can you talk about Rise of Nations?

Me: I’ve never even played it.

Chief: Can you come down today and give it a try? We’ve already installed it on the Uber Rig PC.

Me: … … … *sigh*… okay…

So I went down and took it through its paces, indulging my usual anachronistic tendencies and pushing my civilization’s rate of technological advancement to such ridiculous proportions that by the time my nearest enemies had discovered how to make Pole Axes, I was already assaulting them with tanks, bombers and machine guns… I love technological advancement in RTS games…

Today then, I got up, hiked outta’ the ol’ pad and made my way down to my old stomping grounds, where this recreational area called NTUC Downtown East had been put up (Basically a family chalet/weekender sort of place away from the hustle bustle of the city) and found the area I was supposed to go to.

Which was not a chalet.

Which was not in a little room.

It was a conference hall. With huge ass projection screen. And someone was handing me a microphone.

Thank GOD for my gift for useless facts and details. I ended up sitting AT the Microsoft table, with a PC in front of me, with a flight stick, and the huge projection screen behind me, and was told, “So play the game and tell us a little bit about this…”

At which point, for Flight Simulator 2004, I riffled off all the trivia, like how it was supposed to celebrate the December 17th centennial of powered human flight. How it had in game flight lessons by John and Martha King of King Aviation Flight School, one of the biggest in America, how it had coaching by Roy Machado, another revered flight instructor, how it used the new Garmin 295 and 500 series GPS indicators with 24,000 real world airports, both towered and non-towered. All the while casually picking another 747, taking it from Kennedy International and driving it through Manhattan.

And was once again reminded of how different the mindset is of Westerners from Singaporeans.

They were a pretty quiet bunch, and I had to keep checking to see if they were following me, since I was probably speaking at warp speed (As usual) and frequently had to stop and say things like:

“Any questions? Anyone? Anyone? No? What did George Bush call Regan’s economics program? Something economics. Anyone? Anyone? D-O-O economics. Voodoo ecnomics. QUE HABLA CANADIAN ENGLISH, OR WHAT?!?”

Sigh…

Then I had to sit down and watch some corporate propaganda program where Microsoft had insightfully decided that people who played games were broken up into four groups. On one end of the scale, you had what they referred to as “Time Killers” who were people that played for a few minutes or an hour at a time as a momentary distraction. On the other end, they had what they called “Committed Gamers”.

“Like our friend, over here,” the MS Marketing guy said, motioning towards me. “Committed gamers look like… HIM! Long hair, casual clothes, beard… pale complexion because they spend every waking hour playing games. Games, games, games, right?”

“Uh… yeah…” I said in a less than definitive tone of voice.

Then they showed more videos of upcoming games and it was time for me to play Rise of Nations. More trivia about strategy games, the differences between turn based and real time games, and Rise of Nations was supposed to be a marriage of the two genres. My little farmers farmed, my miners mined, my soldiers killed. That was it.

More game videos, propaganda, goodies bags handed out (I am now the proud owner of a) an X-Box t-shirt, b) X-Box polo shirt, c) X-Box towel, which I think will become our new doormat) and eventually it was time to take to the X Box consoles and start playing the new games we’d just seen. Or a few of them anyway.

The X Box marketing guy congratulated me on winging it. I asked him when the X Box Live stuff was coming to Singapore and he said in a few months. He told me he’d look forward to my reviews of the X Box live games.

“I’m not reviewing them,” I said.

“What? Why not?”

“Can’t afford an X-Box Live account, come on, I’m a writer, man, look at me…”

He smiled and said, “You’re also a games reviewer. Don’t worry, I think you’re all set with us when the time comes.”

Later, while smoking outside, the Chief also congratulated me, since he wasn’t sure what the hell I was going to say and was just glad I actually knew what I was talking about. He wondered if I wouldn’t be interested or able to take on more reviewing/writing chores and asked, “Is it possible?”

My only reply was, “Well… it is and it isn’t. It is ’cause I can crank it out, yeah, and I have fun doing it. It isn’t ’cause… well… look at my PC. It’s crap. I can’t review PC games ’cause I can’t run them, and I can’t do GameCube reviews ’cause I don’t have a GameCube.”

He thought about it, nodded, and said, “I think I can set you up for that. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.”

So after an odd day where I not only had to play games to an audience but TALK about them too, I scored a free X-Box live account, a free gaming worthy PC and a free Nintendo GameCube.

I. Love. My. JOB.

Awwwww…

You know it must be love when the girlfriend plays Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance with you till 7 in the morning and keeps taking all the gold. But sometimes she splits a rejuvenation potion with you.

I’m a lucky guy…

It’s Not My Fault She MADE Me Do It

In a fit of dark irony, the meals that were eaten before and after Finding Nemo were both sushi-based. I’m sorry Marlin! Really!

Man, what can you say about this movie?

Is it perfect? No.

Is it one of Pixar’s best? YES.

Get the obvious stuff out of the way, since it’s a CG film, that means that as technology advances, each successive Pixar film will ALWAYS visually surpass the last, limited only the palette of textures, colors and sensibilities of the artists that work on them, so there’s really no question that this was going to be the prettiest Pixar movie to date. EVERY new Pixar movie automatically holds that title. Of course, in my particular case, since my all time favorite color is aqua and since this movie is ocean based, that pretty much means from a color sense, this will probably always be my favorite film as the interplay of sunlight and ocean water was tranquil and, when combined with the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef of Oz, stunning. It’s a beautiful, beautiful looking movie and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

What really surprised me however, and what makes it my favorite Pixar movie to date, was how HUMAN it was.

Perhaps it’s beause of the subject matter. The Toy Story films and even Monsters Inc, didn’t have to “try” quite as hard to present the human condition, because toys, which are human creations, and monsters which are figments of human imagination, pretty much have a built into anthropomorphic quality; they’ll have two arms, two legs, humanoid faces and live in a familiar human environment. The challenge to the Pixar people was one that Disney has wrestled with for quite some time now, which was, “How do we bring human qualities to non-human characters?” And where Disney has usually succeeded with either pulling at out heart strings (Which Pixar did) or getting stellar actors for the voice acting (Which Pixar also did) they never brought so many human situations into the context of the animal kingdom to not only push the comedic value (I mean, this stuff is funny enough when humans do it, but when animals do it, it’s comedy genius) but that same mechanic reduces these human situations into something very basic and identifiable, making them somehow even more accessible and universal. That’s something Disney never did.

I won’t ruin the movie (Well, not too much anyway) but the whole idea of the three sharks as a stand in metaphor for recovering addicts was so insanely brilliant that I’m still breathless at the sheer ingenuity of it. I don’t know of many movies (Live or animated) that will surpass that moment of sublime comedy.

And then there’s the theme, and this is where the movie stands head and shoulders above almost all American animation and approaches the depth and artistic accomplishment of the best Japanese anime.

The plot itself is simple. Marlin, due to a horrible and traumatic experience in his past, has learned to fear the world and the inherent dangers it offers. This paranoia carries over to his only son, Nemo, and therein lies the well-intentioned but ultimately suffocating conflict of the movie. He loves his son so much and values his safety so much that he tries to spare him any experience of the outside world, even the positive ones, for fear that it will lead to harm. Marlin’s fear is projected onto his son and Nemo eventually rebels and pays the price.

But this isn’t a simple, “Listen to your parents or you’ll get in trouble” moral platitude. It’s far more complex, forgiving, honest and yes, even though it’s about fish, HUMAN story than many I’ve seen in years. The current crop of summer films are all maxed out with cylinders firing on the CG WOW factor scale, but the heart of this film about a father trying to rescue his only son is miles ahead of them in simple, unpretentious–and, a rarity in today’s film climate–sincere HEART. It’s almost like in every frame of animation rendered, you could feel the writer, director, and loads of animators all knew they had something special on their hands that they genuinely believed in, because, like all good art, it believes in its message, the message is an important one and it’s one we can all walk away from having learned something valuable that will be of use to us.

Little Nemo is not an unrepentant and spoiled brat for not listening to his father. Marlin is not an evil, repressive tyrant, and he has very real, legitimate reasons underlying his unreasoning fear of the dangers of the world. The themes of growing up, acknowledging that growth, of according autonomy and respect to those are finding their way in the world, of understanding that one cannot be shielded from all the bad in the world without also being denied the good… this is all very complex and heady stuff for a summer “kid’s flick,” and yet amongst the eye-popping CG candy, the adrenalin surging chases and almost non-stop hilarity of physical and verbal comedy, there is also a complex and compassionate exploration of these ideas and, like the very best lessons, most of it will probably slip under the radar and sink in subliminally where it will do the most good.

And I cannot say ENOUGH good things about the voice actors for this movie. Perhaps this is simply the Uber-Geek within, but I truly believe that whether these performances were “real” or for CG characters is moot, this has some of the best acting in a movie this year. Dory’s heart-breaking confession towards the end of the film about her memory condition pulled off the amazing trick of making me stop ogling the CG goodness and merely think, “Oh, GOD poor Dory…” a feeling that I haven’t had since Boo said good bye to Sully in Monster’s Inc.

No, I didn’t cry at this movie, it wasn’t that kind of film. Instead, I had that rare feeling I almost never carry away when a movie is over. I felt good.

The only real criticism I can level at the film is one from my own list of personal prejudices. I love character, and the characters of Marlin, Dory, Nemo, Gill and all the rest were wonderful. It disappointed me somewhat that there so, SO many chases in the movie. On the one hand, it is a movie about fish and so I suppose that a chase is the only convincing conflict to bring to such a film, and on the other hand, it is a summer movie and so action aplenty is always the order of the day, but just watching these characters be themselves, without necessarily any life threatening situations was itself, a joy to watch and I really would’ve loved to have seen more of that.

This is SO on my list of DVDs to pick up when it becomes affordable again. Right up there with all the region 1 Miyazaki flicks. Mm… Kiki’s Delivery Service…

GO. WATCH. NOW!

It’s Up! Kind’a, Sort’a…

You’ve seen it before, but since I’m in Pimp Daddy mode again, I’ll bring it out for more shameless whoring. CHARLIE’S MONSTERS IS A GO! Perhaps this will make me more interesting, I can now say I have a web comic. Or write one, anyway. So if you click on this particular Creatures Features page here, you’ll find the same Charlie’s Monsters comics the girlfriend and I whipped together and that she put up on her website.

Unfortunately, this also means it’s the last time you’ll ever see a complete 3 page story for free. #2, #3 and all subsequent stories appear on the website in sample form, with the complete comic being available only if you subscribe. If you’re anything like me, this means you’ll NEVER see it because you don’t have a credit card and can’t buy jack shit off the ‘net, but then most of you aren’t quite so technophilic in theory but luddite by economic necessity, so maybe all is not lost.

In a day or so, the Charlie’s Monsters page will be more complete. I’m writing up the bios for the girlfriend and myself. Her request is that I make sure I mention she likes cats. I am happy to report that at least I am shaping up to have a cliche writer’s bio, since at last count my resume goes something like this: Worked as an amusement ride operator, worked in a hospital kitchen, worked as a suicide distress line operator, worked as a copywriter in advertising, worked as journalist and schmoozed in restaurants and with minor local celebs, worked as a writer/producer/director in television and hopped the globe, has had ad copy, short stories, and articles published, has written two books, is represented by an agent, currently works as an editor with a video game magazine and now is writing a web comic. And likes cats.

Which puts things in better perspective, as even though I am doomed to not be interesting, at least life is good. Ideally, I’ll one day be able to name drop and mention that Neil-O and Big Bill are my bestest friends ever, that’s guaranteed interest factor right there…

There is also huge, massive, UNBELIEVABLE news regarding the girlfriend, but alas, I am slapped with a Nondisclosure agreement and threats of sleeping on the couch, and so cannot say what I am talking about, though no one said anything about not building up the hype now…

Possible Solutions For Becoming More Interesting

1) Get dumped.

2) Get back into advertising.

3) Get back into television.

4) Contract hideous disease that takes its toll over a period of years.

5) Get mugged.

6) Get raped.

7) Get killed.

Go in for plastic surgery and have it go horribly wrong.

9) Go in for plastic surgery and have it go miraculously right.

10) Find an arch-nemesis who is out to destroy me.

11) Become an arch-nemesis out to destroy someone else.

12) Become alcoholic.

13) Do drugs.

14) Sell drugs.

15) Do the drugs I’m selling, with the inevitable consequence of #7.

16) Go to jail. See #6.

17) Become an actor.

18) Become a mugger.

19) Become a rapist.

20) Become a murderer.

21) Become a serial killer, which is the same as 20, but with more style.

22) Contract an eating disorder, though there’s already speculation I’m anorexic.

23) Found a new religion.

24) Wipe out an old one.

25) Become a stage magician.

26) Join the Mafia.

27) Join the Yakuza.

28) Become a drug addict with the express purpose of getting off the drugs so I can write about it later.

29) Get a tattoo.

30) Get a life.

I’m personally very excited about that disease one. Out of all of them that’s the one where no one can argue with your claim, “I’m the victim here!” plus you get to learn all kinds of neat medical terms and people give you gifts even though it’s not Christmas or your birthday. After all, a colostomy bag is the gift that keeps on giving. Sort of…

Reality Crushes My World

For the most part I have been working under the premise that even though I am currently the most boring human being on the face of the globe, especially in comparison to my friends… (I mean, come on, executives, media people, mathematicians, government types, scholars, guys that have actually written and published books, whereas I am just a writer) I have reassured myself that whatever lack of interest as a human being I have now is balanced by the fact that at some point in the past I was an extremely interesting, if somewhat mean spirited and evil person.

Now it suddenly occurs to me that even that might be a fiction and I’ve simply been boring the whole time.

What a disappointment.

What can I do to be interesting like you guys?!? ARGH!

New Reader!

It has come to my attention that a friend of mine, hereby known as “Raych” has seen fit to read the blog for the first time and comment on it! Mostly this is due to the fact that she didn’t know about it ’till I told her so, but whatever! Welcome aboard, Raych! God have mercy on your soul like the other people that read this crap…

The reason she gets special mention is because I hardly see her, but then she’s doing that media thing with a dynamic, fulfilling job, loving parents, a boyfriend and more substance packed in her pinky than I’ve got in my whole lifetime. I, however, have gotten an answer from Neil-O hisself, so who’s better off?

Don’t answer that…

Nearly Done!

I am now taking on the task that I have been avoiding for the last couple of days of writing the ten pages worth of previews for games that I have not–and probably will not–play but must nevertheless sound like I have in-depth play testing experience with. Some day, when Playworks has more clout, we just might actually be in a position where gaming companies drop preview copies of early builds of games on our door, instead of us having to use that most reliable of gaming sources, imagination, to provide the in-depth coverage these games deserve.

Sigh…

I feel bad about this…

My Camera Kills Dead People! Wait, That Sounds Weird…

I have officially attained the status of bragging rights ownership for Fatal Frame. With the X-Box exclusive “Fatal Mode” now trounced (And my GOD, was that ever HARD…) I have viewed the X-Box exclusive ending, which SUCKED ASS, and now enjoy near limitless power with my camera to destroy all them nasty ghosts that caused such an explosive increase in underwear washing when I first played the game. I also have a new costume for the heroine which seems to consist of a fuzzy mini-skirt/kimono sorta’ deal with big stupid bow on the back, and instead of a flash light she now carries… a glow in the dark coffee mug.

That’s the only way I can describe it. It has a handle, it looks like you could suck back your favorite Java Arabica blend from it, and yet it emits a powerful, spectral light AND fades away into nothingness when you open doors, only to reappear when you step through into the other side. Now if it only played “Come What May” every time you tipped it, it would be super-keen!

Not News At All: Big Bill Still A Fucking GENIUS

Nearly done with Pattern Recognition now, and while I will (At length and ad nauseum) eventually give my oh-so-eagerly awaited opinion on this latest offering from the hardest working man in cyberspace, I think I can safely give you a preview of what I will say.

Big Bill, be my friend!

PLEASE!

Oh, and you too, Neil-O…

News Flash! NEIL-O OFFICIALLY ACKNOWLEDGES MY EXISTENCE! WHEEEE!!!!

Yes, friends and the neighbors, the plotting, planning, scheming and careful consideration of every word so as not to revea-… I mean, “inadvertantly present” stalker-ish tendencies has been rewarded!

NEIL-O ANSWERED MY E-MAIL! YEEEEEHAWWWW!!!

This could be the start of something truly embarrassing, hopefully. Maybe someday, years from now, when we’re super good friends and we’re sitting in a bar and he thinks I’m a long winded, annoying whiner and I think he’s a curmudgeonly old Limey who needs a shave, I’ll inadvertantly quote this right back to him and he’ll think to himself, “This sounds bloody familiar…” and then he’ll get it and say, “Wait, I remember! Yeah, you were that weird sod who kept calling me ‘Neil-O’ all the time! Bloody hell, that was you?!?”

To which I’ll grin sheepishly, mutter “Eh heh, heh… heh heh heh…” and light the bottle of vodka on fire as a distraction to cover my escape.

The entry itself, which will probably only be readily visible for a couple of days from this posting, is found (After some scrolling) here.

And for the inevitable day when it vanishes into the archives, here is the question in its entirety (complete with typo) with reply from the one, the only, Neil-O (!) to none other than me (!):

Hey Neil-O (Which is your super secret name in the more obscure circles of the literati),

–Shoeless Wayne Santos, Stranded in Singapore

No, I don’t think anyone has any obligations at all on this stuff, apart from writing the books, and making them as good as they/we can.

Does that help?

Oh yeah, Neil-O…

Does it ever.

Today is officially a kick. ASS. Day…

As If I Wasn’t Psychotically Prattling On Enough…

I, that is, WE, that is, the Girlfriend and I, are now the proud owners of a new mutual blog that is part of the contract to appear in the Creature Feature Comics.com website. Apparently in order to give the unwashed, ignorant masses a look into the oh-so-glamorous and cosmopolitan lifestyle of we whacky, creative types, Creature Features has made it mandatory that all contributors to the website are to keep a blog.

I think we’re doing it wrong, though.

I suspect it’s supposed to be some exclusive thingy that “lucky” subscribers to the website are entitled to look at so that they feel somewhat more justified about having shelled out the money for regular access to comics, and can get an insider’s look at the minds of their favorite creators that no one else does. Kind of a secret peek at their own Neil-O, except that I’m not Neil-O, and she’s not Dave McKean, and instead we’re just us.

But for those of you in desperate need to see a pre-blog form with just stupid test entries to make sure it’s all working out properly, you can gaze in awestruck humility at our protoblog-squirts at the Charlie’s Monsters Blog.

Apparently at some point we’ll get paid for all this.

Cooooooooooooool…

Must… Retain… Identity…

Yesterday as an assignment from the magazine I got to play with the new i-pod, an MP3 player that has such a funky retro-futurism look to it that it would be perfect in any House O’ The Future that also has egg shell chairs, Bauhaus coffee tables and TVs that are ensconced in giant golf balls.

Unfortunately my first thought as I played with it was, “Hey, NEIL-O has an i-pod! If I get an i-pod, I become a little bit more like Nei- WHAT AM I THINKING?!?!”

Damn it. Neil-O… answer my e-mails… spare me this torture…