I Just Bought My Childhood



And it was only 4 DVDs long!



Ah, the original Star Wars trilogy… What can I say about it? For years, these movies were a sole source of happiness and inspiration. Watching them and comparing them to the new films not only brings back a nostalgia that’s somethin’ fierce, but it’s also an amazing documentary on film about how one can slowly go mad over the decades… But enough of this, I got another stupid idea…



Tentacle Girl



The girlfriend mentioned one fine day that there’s just not enough quality Hentai out there. For those of you that are totally clueless as to what I’m talking about, Hentai is a term for a specific brand of Japanese animation that usually involves incredibly cute young girls with ridiculous bodily proportions that end up getting sexually assaulted by men/ninjas/other dimensional monstrosities with multiple prehensile tentacles and usually seem pretty horrified by said assault until they A) Discover that they’re really getting into it, in which case, their squealing continues, but now it’s not quite so horrified, or B) They get ripped or split into little pieces.



So anyway, she was darn right about this, quality Hentai is darn hard to find, whether it’s the cheap animation done for these super porn/rape anime programs or just the outright bad writing, or, as is usually the case, both. She mentioned that she’d like to see a girl who HAD the tentacles for a change, specifically on her head. As is usually the case, the seemingly innocent comment exploded into my brain and I didn’t just pick up the idea and run away with it, I double packed it, put in those bubble wrap sheets, and Fed-Exed it to all four corners of the world…



A Wandering Nun. With Tentacles.



Our story begins with a poor innocent, a young Nun belonging to the order of the Sisters of Perpetual Motion who also happens to be incredibly hot with ridiculous bodily proportions and is for some bizarre reason the only nun in her order to wear really form clutching habits and stockings.



One day this young nun discovers that one of the monks in a nearby monastery is, *GASP!*, working for the other side, as it were, and is actually undertaking black mass ceremonies in an attempt to bring the depraved forces of hell back into this world so he can finally get some of that fine, fine lovin’ that he was constantly deprived of in high school. Unfortunately for said monk, the plan backfires when our innocent (yet incredibly hot) nun discovers his plot and interferes with his ceremony to offer his body as a host for one of the more depraved beasties of hell.



This nun, through sheer force of will, innocence (And incredible hotness which is really distracting when you’re trying to concentrate) manages to interrupt and foil this summoning attempt, but it comes at great cost; by throwing herself into the midst of the ceremony and actually coming into contact with said depraved demon, she takes on some of the aspects of this demon, most of which her purity and innocence (And incredible hotness) are able to contain and control. But one thing she cannot push down completely is the manifestation of many tentacles that have now replaced her hair. Agile tentacles. Demonic tentacles. Tentacles that are out lookin’ for a good time…



The nun is promptly thanked by the Church and then cast into permanent exile, as an incredibly hot nun with demonic qualities about her isn’t the kind of material the Church is looking to use as promotional material for recruitment drives, and so the genesis of our amazing series begins. Like the very best TV series (IE, The Fugitive, Kung Fu, The Incredible Hulk and The Littlest Hobo) the newly christened Tentacle Girl wanders from place to place, trying to help people while at the same time hiding a deep dark secret. She now possess demonic powers, that usually manifest as her tentacles growing in size power, normally resulting an explosive orgy where people have the sexual experience of their lives, or die, quite often one after the other. Hers is a classic struggle of trying to control her literal inner demon while at the same time trying to use that power for good, and try to pretend that all that squealing she does when tentacle time happens is actually squeals of distress at having to participate in another heathen yet mindblowingly exquisite sexual experience.



A typical episode might go something like this.



Mugger: Hey, give us your money!



Tentacle Girl: Please! Leave me alone! I don’t have any money to give!



Mugger: I don’t believe you! You’re too hot not to have any money!



Tentacle Girl: But I’m so innocent…



Mugger: That just makes you incredibly hotter…



Mugger makes a grab at Tentacle Girl, pawing her thigh, this begins The Change.



Tentacle Girl: OOOOOH NOOOOOO!!!!



Tentacles explode from under her habit and engulf every man and woman within 50 feet. Tentacles now push everyone into a sexual frenzy and people are jumping each other, or any available tentacle while tentacles more or less do the same.



Music: 70′s wawa guitar porno music kicks in.



Mugger: OH MY GOD!



Everyone Else: Inarticulate gurgles of ecstasy.



Tentacle Girl: This is TERRIBLE! PLEASE DON’T DO THIS TO ME AGAIN! AND DON’T IT HERE! OR HERE! AND PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T DO IT HERE, OH, NO, NOT THERE!!! NOOOO!!!



Afterewards, the mugger is arrested by dazed cops, unable to even remember what language he usually speaks. Cops bowleggedly drag the mugger away but then stop.



Cop 1: Hey, that incredibly hot nun saved us all!



Cop 2: I’ll say, I didn’t even know I was gay, but now I’ll be a much happier man!



The cops hold hands.



Cop 2: Where’d she go, anyway?



The Incredible Hulk Piano solo plays in the background as Tentacle Girl slowly trudges down the road, her thumb occasionally extended to passing cars. Drivers sometimes stop, get out of the car, ogle her, then climb back in and drive off. She sighs and continues to walk.



IS THIS NOT SHEER GENIUS!?!?

Peter S. Beagle = Genius

So I made the mistake last night of watching the animated movie The Last Unicorn with the girlfriend.

Now I’ve seen this movie before, and often. But it was when I was a lot younger, and I think probably the last time I watched it was when I was 15 or something. High School anyway. Over the years I’ve learned a few interesting things about it. Like the fact that even though it was produced by an American company (The “Stick More Songs In It Than You Can Shake A Stick At Rankin-Bass JR.) it was actually animated by… wait for it… STUDIO GHIBLI! Well, they weren’t called Studio Gimli back then, but yes, the same guys that brought us MY Neighbor Totoro, Spirited Away and my personal favorite Nausicaa And The Valley Of The Wind we also the ones who were responsbile for completely nailing the sadness and fraility in the eyes of the Unicorn/Amalthea.

Summary O’ Plot

Originally a novel written by Peter S. Beagle (Who then went on to adapt it for both stage and screen) The Last Unicorn, at least the animated version, is kind similar in its dialogue/acting choices to The Princess Bride in that even though it’s clearly a period fantasy setting, the dialogue often comes out as very modern with modern references sprinkled throughout (IE, a butterfly singing I’ll Be Home On The A-Train).

The story concerns one of the immortal unicorns, living her immortal life in the forest of her choosing and generally being blissful and ignorant of the occurrences in the outside world, until she overhears the conversation of a pair of hunters. One of the hunters proclaims that she is the last of the unicorns, all the others having disappeared mysteriously, and shouts out into the forest before they depart that he advises her to stay there and keep the forest perptually green and enchanted.

This of course, gets her attention and like most people who are told not to do something, she goes ahead and does it, seeking an answer to whether or not she truly is the last unicorn left.

I won’t go into much detail of the rest of the plot since this is one of those timeles stories that everyone should experience for themselves. But I will say that this is one of those few stories that is close to, if not completely, perfect.

I’m not talking about the animation which was done in the 80′s and so quite primitive by today’s standards. Or the obvious cuts that were made throughout the film, so obvious in fact that you can even hear the music jump where the cut was made. But the story and characters themselves are ones that I think lovers of story can respect, and all writers should take lessons from.

What struck me the most about it on this viewing was how multi-layered it was. While concessions such as comedy relief, some minor slapstick and the usual action sequences have been thrown in to keep younger viewers enthralled, there’s also an amazing amount of intelligence and heart in this story and these characters. No one is really stupid in this story, all of them drop at least one one-liner nugget of wisdom about life that can be endlessly quoted and thought upon, and all of them have very complex motivations that can be either understood and respected, or understood and pitied.

The acting is also completely amazing. Christopher Lee as King Haggard brings an authority and resonance to his character that makes it difficult not to fear him. Angela Lansbury puts in an amazing (And totally unrecognizable performance) as Mommy Fortuna, a deranged witch who comes off as a true psycopatch, Alan Arkin as Schmendrik gives an intelligent and melancholy turn to the character that perfectly nails his sad eyes.

But the two most outstanding performances in the story have to go Mia Farrow as the Unicorn, for the delicate turn of phrase that is both unearthly and achingly frail, and Tammy Grimes as the broken scullery maid who was content in her having lost hope until she saw the unicorn and realized perhaps she’d given up hope too soon.

Watching all these elements weave together in a cartoon of all things really made me wonder at how surprising art can be sometimes. I know many will disagree but for me this little animated feature made in the 80′s says some of the most important and significant things about life, ambition, love, imagination and desire that we often forget. From Schmendrik’s desire to become a true wizard, to Haggard’s obsession with keeping only things that make him happy around him, to Lear’s innocent love for Amalthea and Molly’s tragic rediscovery of hope when it is almost too late for her… All of them have moments where they say something about human nature that everyone would be a lot better remembering from time to time.

And of course the ending is the killer, and one that I’ve tried aping in my own writing. A happy ending of sorts, that comes at great cost to the people involved, and often does more harm to the heroes in exchange for doing the greater good for many.

So I got kind of kicked in the head again last night after watching it. And of course the girlfriend was monumentally depressed afterwards and could only say “It’s so sad. It’s so, SO SAD…” because this move was another one of those key influential moments on her emotional life, and she can’t watching it too often without becoming pyschologically damaged…

Break Time

This has been a fairly productive week.

I’ve cranked out multiple articles for my opinions on games, where they’re going, started reading comic books, kept up faithfully with Serial Jen, at least 3 pages a day, just broke 40, and watched the animes Outlaw Star and Super Yo-Yo, then gone off and written my reviews of them. The only thing I haven’t been doing is playing Xenosaga, and that, unfortunately, is because the software was… hm… how shall I put this? Acquired through “enterprising means” and likely bought from some guy selling them at a table at ridiculously low prices with an English vocabulary only slightly larger than the number of teeth in his mouth. In other words, the PS2 refuses to read it. Argh. I suppose things will continue this way until PlayWorks gets more credibility in the industry and more developers start kissing up and unloading free software in their laps. As it is, they’re not receiving much cooperation from anyone except the keepers of the Bill-Box. *Sigh*…

Oh well, at least there’s still Final Fantasy X.

Damn that Blitzball… pissing me off. And this monster hunting side-quest is getting really, really old. On the other hand, I’ve acquired every celestial weapon but one, and that’ll be done once the stupid Blitzball tournament has been won…

Right. INTO THE FRAY ONCE MORE!