The Big Ass Update

Since there is a lull in kitten rescuing, video gaming, video game reviewing, comic book reading, not-so-short-story-writing, jobs, viral infections and middle east wars, I figured, “Heck, I’ll write something!”

House Is Officially Decontanimated Of All Cuteness

Pathos is gone.

A French couple showed up on Monday (She is an artist, he is formerly a sales rep for Ubisoft, who hardcore gamers may recognize as the company that made the moderately successful Rayman franchise. They have been in Singapore 6 months) and in a complete twist of cultural irony, we surrendered (The kitten that is) to them. I’m still convinced that if I spoke in a German accent they would have given us whatever we wanted without a fight AND offered a tour of the Eiffel tower, but apparently I’m being uncharitable when I say such things.

They took MY-… sorry, THE kitten.

I kind of miss her. She was sweet and cute and incredibly clumsy, although, in a bid to perhaps turn me off at the last minute, she contracted a case of diarrhea and made sure we knew about it by attempting to show us all over the rug. Urgh. That was not particularly endearing.

What WAS endearing however, was the fact that Zero is now back to his old self. In a telling moment, he threw himself on the rug (The clean part) turned himself over, and promptly began to purr when I petted him, something he hadn’t done all week as he ran in terror from the ferocious kitten that took his couch, took his pillow, took his litter box and took his owners hostage. Zero is now pleased to see the liberation of these assets and commented that the ousting of hostile forces was an inevitability and that he expected to see victory with little resistance. Zero is now at Camp Sofa, convening with his puffy toy on future strategies regarding the administration of these newly liberated territories.

You Looked Better In Your Picture

Which is the first thing I thought last night when we saw another cat somewhere out in the north east, an area called “Senkang.”

Out o’ curiosity, the girlfriend and I noticed a pretty sleek and beautiful looking cat on the same adoption website that Pathos was stuck on, and we decided to go down and see “Chynna”, to see if whether or not we might not want to adopt her ourselves. We have both decided that a kitten is a bit much and a more independent, “I don’t give a rat’s ass” attitude like Zero’s (Minus the supreme cowardice) would be cool to have.

Chynna turned out to be a little too independent.

However uncharitable this is, the first thing I thought when I saw her was, “You’re FAT.” She looked much sleeker in her picture, but I now realize this had largely to do with her holding her breath and wearing a black collar ’cause that’s slimming. The obesity I was willing to forgive. The Fuckin’ Attitude I was not. Zero’s yellow, YELLOW soul is pretty forgiveable, because there’s no hostility involved, just an endearing morbid terror of anything that… well, okay, just ANYTHING. This Chynna cat however had a major “regal” attitude. That’s the only way I can describe it. She will “tolerate” petting, just so. She will tolerate company, just so. She will tolerate scratching, just so. Any deviation from the way she wants these things is met not with a hiss but with a surprisingly annoyed and curt “meow” that brings to mind some Old Money Boston Hag looking down at her black maid and saying, “Your inherent stupidity will be forgiven. ONCE.”

A pleasant surprise was the OTHER cat there. One we had written off ’cause she was, to borrow the old Canadian slang, “Fugly.” Those of you that DON’T know what that is, take “Fucking” and “Ugly” and you begin to see the word origins for yourself. This cat was named “Min Min,” and looked somewhat better than her picture.

Somewhat.

The attitude however, is what makes her pretty neat. She’s pretty dog-like, what with the turning on her back to offer her belly for scratching and, to me anyway, with my broken tailed cat, she has a HUGE FUCKING TAIL that sweeps casually back and forth with the blissful ease of a cat that has never seen a rocking chair. She’s sleek but the picture failed to convey just how big she was. Not fat, all her limbs are in proportion, she’s just BIG.

And still ugly.

Sigh…

Our latest suspicion has turned to a cat that we refer to as Friendly Cat. She seems to share Zero’s apathy towards manhandling, minus the Pantophobia (From Merry Christmas Charlie Brown, Pantophobia being “The fear of everything!”) she hangs out by some fixed benches and tables near one of the HDB apartment complexes and seems to be very territorial, though her territory is SMALL. Just those benches. She’s laid back, very cute, pleasantly plump, nice coloration, and just doesn’t seem to care about being man-handled at all. She passed my “Head Grip” test with flying colors. I automatically like cats that allow me to envelop their entire face in the grip of my hand, and she is one of them. On a whim, I tried picking her up last night, and got a tired sort of “Oh whatever” meow from her, like an old wife that is humoring her husband’s begging for sexual favors. The girlfriend is obsessed with bringing her home. I myself wonder how easy going she’d be once she’s removed from her little kingdom.

And we may have found Pathos’ sibling.

Yup, at the EXACT same construction site. Walking back from Friendly Cat, we heard a mewing, and I thought I was having Pathos flashbacks since it sounded just like her. Further investigation revealed a teeny kitten, Pathos’ size, but a much more common brown tabby color. The general shape of the body and the eyes however, are dead ringers for Pathos, so I’m pretty sure this is another member of her abandoned litter, but its MUCH more frightened than Pathos was. I’ve never been hissed at by a kitten before, but it happened last night, so this kitten, having been out longer, must have been kicked around quite a bit already. It’s already got a kink in its tail.

Of course, now the debate is “Should we do anything about it?” but having since just restored Zero to normal psychological functioning, and since this one seems to be a lot harder to coax out, we might just let nature take its course. I dunno… it looks sufficiently mean or paranoid enough that it might survive. Pathos mewed “HELP ME!” This one mews “FUCK. OFF.”

Who Wants To Be A Hundredaire?!?

I’m the big winner!

At least for the week, anyway. More jobs trickle in with little checks to keep me from the brink of total starvation, though it should be enough to keep things going at least until June when, hopefully, the pay as an editor for Playworks begins. In the meantime, cigarettes are now becoming an increasingly precious commodity to be hoarded with all the enthusiasm of a Jewish family in 1940 Berlin, and Mass Rapid Transit (For Edmontonians out there, somehow, “lerting it” always sounds less geeky than “merting it…” but that’s just me…) has once again become a favorite reading place. Ah the joys of poverty…

The Placard Reads: Will Work For Dignity

Well, okay, that’s an outright lie.

A discreet e-mail to the Lonely Planet people at the urging of well intentioned friends (Thanks, Ching…) has revealed that Lonely Planet has pushed back their pre-production schedule to May 1st, and so no decisions will be forthcoming after all for at least another week or two. I have, however, recently done a radio commercial wherein I did a 30 second voice over for a perfomance of fusion North/South Indian music with Western influences called “SCHRADAAAAAA!” (Pronounced “Shra-dah”) I w
rite it like that ’cause they wanted someone excited and so when I arrived, I jokingly did my combination Wrestling Announcer/Demolition Derby announcer (“Four musicians enter. ONE SITAR PLAYER LEAVES. A no holds barred, knock down, drag out concert to end all concerts where the music and the players are bloody awesome…”) and was stunned beyond all reason when I was enthusiastically told that that was EXACTLY what they wanted in terms of delivery:

He comes from North India and decimates all opposition with the lethal stylings of his Tabla drums!

She is the Punjabi dervish known to kill with a single strum of her deadly Sitar!

THEY MEET FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY AT THE ESPLANADE TO OVERWHELM THE CROWD WITH KILLER MUSIC THAT WILL SLAY YOU! A CONCERT SO DEADLY THAT AN IRON CAGE WILL BE ERECTED TO PROTECT THE AUDIENCE FROM THE AURAL BLOODSHED THAT AWAITS, SCHRADA WILL SHRED YOU…

Or something like that.

Would you believe I actually DO this stuff???

Also, I keep forgetting to invoice Nadya for the giant squid proposal. She’s all ready to pay up the money (Ah… attractive women owing me money… there is some justice in this world. Then again, I did whore myself. Agh…) I just never get around to making up the invoice and mailing it to her ultra boho-incredibly stylish address at chic expat neighborhood Holland Village.

ATTENTION ALL STALKERS:

FOR THE FIRST 5 CUSTOMERS WHO ARRIVE AT THE PURCHASING COUNTER, WE ARE HAPPY TO INFORM YOU THAT A 50% DISCOUNT WILL BE OFFERED ON THE HOME ADDRESS OF ASIAN CELEBRITY NADYA HOW-DO-YA’-SPELL-HER-NAME. BE THE FIRST IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD TO CAMP IN HERS. THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING S-MART!

On a totally unrelated note, they have now found a squid bigger than “Giant” size and are calling it colossal! I WANT ONE!

Kool Komix @ @omix

I got another set of comics from the boys at @omix comix. Three actual comic books as opposed to all the trade paperbacks they heaped on me last time. I wasn’t terribly impressed with 411, the Marvel “pro-human” peace initiative, ’cause it really just gave the writers a chance to exercise their Pulitzer Prize Nomination fantasies and write something that felt too self-consciously literary, as opposed to actually playing off the strengths of a comic book. On the other hand, there was Blood + Water, which is a really smart, SMART vampire mini-series that I have nothing but good things to say about. if you ever get the chance, check the book out, though I’m waiting for it to be compiled as a trade paperback. It’s been a long time since I experienced the pain of wanting to know what happens next on a good monthly series. BW reminds me why I usually wait for it all to be bundled…

All’s Quiet On The Video Front

There’s really only the tedium of Final Fantasy X and the ongoing, slow, turgid march towards omnipotence. Clocking in at over 160 hours of game time and over the biggest hump, it’s gradually going downhill now…

Got interested in what Bungie (The guys that make Halo) have been up to and so did some researching and cross-referencing with their old Mac FPS game Marathon. There is a wealth of information and story here worthy of a Sci-Fi novel, and I was pretty amazed at how deep it runs, like a very well thought out conspiracy of Illuminati caliber. Now I’m all excited about whatever is going to happen in Halo 2. The story sucked me right in for the first Halo…

Also trying to see if I can swing some game time with Enter The Matrix as the Playworks folks are hosting the X-Box launch of it in tandem with Eidos over at Funan Center in May, second tech-capital of Singapore next to the mightier and grungier Sim Lim. Hopefully the status as a contributing editor will allow me to abuse privileges like no one’s business and find out if the Brothers Wachowski really are as big gaming geeks as they claim…

But You Write Too, Right?

Well, that’s the theory…

There’s been much written in terms of reviews for games and comics, but little on the fiction side since the deadline came, went and the story was turned down. I’m going to go back to it again and add in some stuff. I’m not sure how much to give away, but in the broadest possible terms, someone gets beaten to within an inch of their lives, someone else gets shot, and someone gets their viewpoint seriously expanded. Sue me, I write big…

The War

George, listen to me. You SUCK.

It’s bad enough that you’re giving all the Freudians a reason to start charging higher therapy prices with your out of control Oedipal complex (Hear me now and believe me later; waging a bigger war than your daddy will not make mommy love you more or enlarge the size of your penis, only your doctors can do that for you) but if you’re going to start storming through desert nations that have acted as cradles of civilization, at least have decency to protect all those priceless artifacts that you didn’t reduce to component molecules with your precision bombing. I mean really, how rude…

SARS

There is some crazed, Chinese National who is illegally staying Singapore. She exhibited symptoms of SARS and was quarantined at the Center for Disease Control. Of course, this means she escaped immediately, and since her favorite haunt seems to be OUR PARTICULAR NEIGHBORHOOD, there’s been speculation about whether or not she’s just happily vectoring away in our neck of the woods, spreading the viral joy to all within coughing range. Brilliant. Bloody, bloody brilliant…

The way I see it, we’ve got Death, War and Pestilence riding high, so where the hell is Famine? Is she taking the day off, or have people just decided she’s out of fashion and sent her off to a detox clinic in Beverly Hills to talk about how she’s a victim of her siblings and that’s why she doesn’t eat? Is she afraid of her horse since it threw her that one time in Africa? Hey, FAMINE, EARN YOUR PAY CHECK…

Welcome To The Candy Store

Today has been a good day for freebies…

Unfortunately I can’t keep all of them (Well, not the comics anyway…) but to have this much in the way of geeky goodness dropped in my lap in one day is kind of mindblowing.

I got that Xenosaga game and now, at long last, the geekdom truly ignites. As far as the comic books go, a lotta’ classics, which I’m extremely happy about, since most of them I can review favorably. A reprint of G.I. Joe… the nostalgia factor alone makes that a winner, a Trade Paper Back compilation of my all-time favorite Marvel storyline the Dark Phoenix saga, back in the glory days of Claremont and Byrne, the 80′s comic dream team, a TPB of the Jim Lee run of the X-Men… oh, and I’m supposed to review the entire run of Sandman plus Death compilations, but since I already have those, no freebies there…

So now there is this big, huge, gaping maw of geek matter that draws me in with the inexorability of a white dwarf crushing under its own gravitational pressure in that most feared of all cosmic phenomena, the Black Geek Hole. Speculation in the scientific community suggests that travel through could lead to new laws of time flow, possibly lead to portals that circumvent normal relativisic laws of travel, or possibly lead to other dimensions altogether, like my deranged imagination, for example.

Between writing Serial Jen, playing Xenosaga (Purely for work-related reasons, of course. I love my job…) reading a mess of comic books, writing up all that material, and securing new article ideas/interviews/reviews for the PC platform (Yes Amos, those last two are directed at YOU. Do me proud. Use your spell check regularly, we work on American spelling, so it’s “center” not “centre” which is stupid anyway…) and last, but certainly not least, sucking up to the girlfriend in the wake of the Geek Vortex, things will be busy and posts, while not disappearing altogether, will probably be small.

See ya’ on the other side…

Vice City Is My Bitch

Yep, after neglecting the girlfriend for days on end running guns, running drugs, running people over, Vice City is at long last my town. Once again, my obsessive compulsive gaming disorder just wouldn’t let me walk away from the game without getting 100% completion, an act of supreme tediousness, but with large, LARGE payoffs, like the AH-64 attack helicopter, or the Rhino tank. It was a good game. One of the best I’ve played in years. I get on my knees and worship at Rockstar’s feet, for a game like this shall not soon grace a console again.

Which means that it’s time to start working on other things.

No, not games.

There’s the question of employment. I suppose I’ll have to schmooze off friends (Are you reading this, people?) or troll through the magazines once more and churn out turgid reviews for Cleo and Her World. Sigh… it’s a living, I suppose.

Me: So, tell me why you prefer to have your armpits unshaven.

Militant Lesbian: IT’S A STATEMENT AGAINST THE FASCIST, PATRIARCHAL REPRESSION FOISTED UPON US BY THE GENETIC DEFECT KNOWN AS MAN!!

Me: Couldn’t get a date for the highschool prom, huh?

ML: FUCK OFF!

This sort of thing will never appear in my author’s bio.

And of course, there’s the ACTUAL writing.

The third novel Suzy & The Shifters (Originally the first novel was going to be titled that, but then my agent and the publisher both had misgivings, as they felt it sounded like a cheesy 50′s band and I said, “YEAH! COOL ISN’T IT?!?” And they began to seriously question my credibility, thus we have Shift for novel one. Suzy & The Shifters works better as an anthology title anyway, since it is about Suzy and her various shifter friends) is still waiting for completion. I’m in no big hurry, because novels one and two have yet to see the light of day, but I’m pretty sure it’ll come to pass eventually, and I can stop being an obnoxious, pretentious wannabe novelist and be a pretentious, obnoxious novelist. The Suzy unicorn short story is nearly done. The Jen serial killer story has more or less written itself in my head. The Canadian Anthology open spaces has rejected my Suzy story, but they said they liked the way I write, so they’re breaking their own rules and asking for a third submission, since the submission date has been extended to April. Since they liked Jen so much, I guess I’ll just crank out the Jen serial killer story (SOMEONE! HELP ME! I SUCK AT TITLES!) and give them that. In other writerly news, Flashquake.com, the website that publishes stories of 1,000 words or less, has told me that they’re considering Famine & Pestilence Go To Dinner and to sit tight for the final result. Anyone who hasn’t read it, just e-mail me and I’ll send you a file, since I think I’d get in trouble with them AND my agent if I start posting stories here.

Ah, and then there’s Nowhere…

This is going to be fun. The first issue is nearly done. I have to wait for the girlfriend to finish up her four issue mini-series with an American Indy comics company, but once that’s done, she’ll pencil issue one, possibly do the cover, and then we’ll shop it around to the various publishers and see if there’s any interest. I sure hope this doesn’t turn into one of those things where the comic comes out before the novels do. Then EVERYONE would accuse me of pulling a Gaiman to a ridiculous degree. I think it’ll be a fun title. We’ve got two Elf brothers, one a super-cool assassin type by the name of Fenoril, and his younger sibling Judas, who is sarcastic, video-game and geek-movie obsessed spellcaster (Remind you of anyone you know? Of cooooooourse nooooot…) who’s ultimate battle cry when conjuring up fireballs is either “SO THERE!” or “Shooooryuken!”

Then there’s the popculture junkie/amazon Cheryl, who learned everything about the world of man through cable television (When she gets angry, she screams “Kaneeeeedaaaaaaaa!!”) and C, the vampire chick who prefers taking her blood in ice, 7-11 style with the paper cup and protective plastic lid on top, straw included. I think it’s going to be utterly deranged since we already deranged Scottish bands with songs like The Bitch From Ipanema (Opening lines, “Tall and tanned and young and lovely, that BITCH from Ipanema she dumped me, and when she told me we’re done, I went and screamed Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!”) the infamous One Dollar Man, a deranged Chinese merchant (“I sell you good gun! One dollar only! No find gun like this for one dollar, but you, I sell you, one dollar! Buy gun, stupid white man, I sell cheap!”) and Spanky the Ouija Monkey (“Spank me or I’ll kill you.”). Oh and a clone of Jesus running around, hooking up with frat parties and break dancing on the pool or cheating at chugging contests by changing the beer to water as he drinks it.

“Chug, chug, chug! Jeeesus! Jeeesus! Jeeesus! GO!”

The arc of the story has more or less been figured out. In a perfect world, we’d tell the entire story in about 100 issues or so, with three major arcs. We’ll see whether we can make this happen or not.

Oh well… anybody looking for freelance work?