New Propaganda Pseudo/Retro/Neo-50′s/Post-Modern/Public-Service Revival!

Because I too must utilize the public transportation system a few times a week to get down to the GameAxis office, I’ve been bombarded during the morning with the a new public service video that runs on the LCD monitors hanging from the ceiling of every train station. These videos, done in a completely unironic, sincere, recreation of 50′s style public service films shown to kids in school, instructs train passengers on the appropriate action to take in the event that someone should try to plant a bomb on the train.

The videos faithfully follow the structure of films 50 years past with bad music, bad acting and a voice over that praises the actions of the participants. An example:

Man in sunglasses pushes a bag under his seat, then stands up and walks to the connector between train cars. Mary, a passenger notices this.

Mary: Excuse me, you’ve left your bag!

The man looks down then walks away anyway.

Narrator: That’s right, Mary! You should always notify someone when they’ve left their bag behind!

John: Excuse me! Hey’ve you’ve left your bag behind!

Terrorist: [Looks down at bag, then waves hand dismissively and says in broken English] Not mine, not mine…

Narrator: HM! This is very suspicious!

After being exposed to this for the last few weeks, I now present my much more entertaining and commercially marketable version.

[OPEN WITH THE 20TH CENTURY FOX LOGO, FOLLOWED BY THE SHIMMERING LUCASFILM LOGO]

Narrator chimes in now, but instead of sounding like an enthusiastic nerd, we now have Hollywood VO guy who has been smoking cigarettes since the age of three]

Narrator: It is a city, like any other…

[Cut to woman crying on train holding a bloody body]

Woman: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Narrator: A city with a purpose…

[Cut to man pushing another man up against the wall of the train. Cut to bead of sweat falling from assaulted man's brow as they stare each other down]

Assaulting Man: You’re going to DO it, and DO IT NOW!

Narrator: A city that is ABOUT TO DIE…

[Orchestral sting cuts in, a rapid fire montage accompanies showing a car chase, a helicopter zooming between buildings and an explosion]

Narrator: And it all starts with a bag on a train…

[Man dressed up in extremist terrorist clothing jumps onto a train with a transparent suitcase through which a pack of semtex and a detonator can be clearly seen]

Terrorist: I AM JUST A PASSENgER, MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS BY ALLAH! IGNORE ME OR I SHALL KILL YOU IN MY FANATICAL ZEAL TO ENTER PARADISE FOR THE JIHAD, WHICH IS WHAT ALL MORNING COMMUTERS DO!

[Mary from previous video stands up, wearing a trench coat.]

Mary: I don’t THINK so…

[She pulls at trench coat to reveal body tight latex suit and bandolier bristling with grenades and ammunition]

Terrorist: [In surprise] ALLAHJIHAD! I FORGOT MY CELLPHONE IN THE OTHER CAR, I’LL JUST…

[He tries to drop the suitcase, which is beeping wildly]

Suitcase: WARNING, WARNING, FISSION REACTION ENABLED. YOU NOW HAVE THREE MINUTES TO REACH MINIMUM SAFE DISTANCE.

Mary: [Brandishing a twin full-auto pistols] Drop the bomb, terrorist.

Terrorist: AI! HOW DID YOU KNOW?!

Mary: I can smell evil.

Terrorist: But can you smell… NINJAS?!

[A troupe of ninjas appears from nowhere and begins rapidly cycling through various martial arts poses, punctuating each move with "KI-YAI!"]

Mary: Do you like primates and beer?

Terrorist: What?

Mary: I said, do you like primates and beer?

Terrorist: What does that have to do with my ninjas?

Mary: ‘CAUSE YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET A FACEFUL OF DRUNKEN MONKEY FIST! HEEEEE-YAH!

[Mary proceeds to kick 12 different kinds of ass while a plucky reporter and her kid sidekick defuse the bomb while getting talked through it by specialists over the radio]

See, I like my version better…

My Incredibly Helpful Solution

Recently it has come to my attention that sometimes people suffer from a certain discomfort in public when they see a vagrant, hobo or other Person Of Transient Address wandering the street mumbling to themselves. The general public finds this sort of behavior odd and disturbing. They find it perverse that someone would simply walk in any particular direction, staring blankly, not really seeing the world around them while they babble incoherently about something that makes sense only to them and whatever imaginary companion accompanies them.

I suddenly realized what the perfect solution to this is.

Give them cellular phone headsets.

For whatever reason, when we see someone walking down the street displaying THE EXACT SAME BEHAVIOR, but we see the earpiece and wire dangling towards some pocket–presumably where the phone is–this is suddenly Perfectly Okay, and we keep on walking, our confidence that all is right with the world still intact.

Witness the world of difference:

Bum With No Headset:

Bum: Bastards! All of them bastards! I told them, but they wouldn’t listen, and look what’s happened! There’s going to be hell to pay, I warned them, I did, but no one ever listens…

Pathetic, isn’t it? Now witness Guy In Business Suit Angrily Striding Down Street With Cellular Phone And Headest

Executive: Bastards! All of them bastards! I told them, but they wouldn’t listen, and look what’s happened! There’s going to be hell to pay, I warned them, I did, but no one ever listens…

See? Suddenly, the man is important! Is making a contribution, is Doing Something Respectable.

Now, we try it with the Bum. This is the Bum With Cellular Headset:

BWCH: Bastards! All of them bastards! I told them, but they wouldn’t listen, and look what’s happened! There’s going to be hell to pay, I warned them, I did, but no one ever listens…

Our poor homeless twit now walks the streets with the air of legitimacy and raw sardines. As long as he’s talking into a mouthpiece and not the air, he’s just another productive member of society speaking out loud to no one in particular, but now he’s doing it with PLASTIC, and that makes all the difference…

How Jack Thompson Believes Video Games Work

If you don’t know who Jack Thompson is, the short version is, he’s a lawyer in America that’s been getting a lot of attention recently for the theatrical way in which he attempts to stamp out the evil influence of video games. He’s sued Rockstar (creators of the Grand Theft Auto series), he’s lobbied for more control of the sales of video games–or better yet, get them banned outright–and he even condemned a Christian video game based on a series of novels about the Rapture because he believed the inclusion of violence ran counter to the Christian credo.

I think the reason for this is simple. Somewhere along the line, he became absolutely convinced that video games are much like Marvel Universe Radiation ™, which has a profound effect on people as a result of exposure.

For example:

Mahatma Gandhi: Boy I sure do love being a vegetarian, comdemning all acts of violence and striving to embrace the notion that truth is God!

Gamer: Hey Gandhi, try this video game, it’s called Pong!

2 hours later…

MG: ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A STICK UP! ANYONE OF YOU MOVES AND I’LL EXECUTE EVERY LAST MOTHERFUCKING ONE OF YA’S!

Student: But… this is a cerebal palsy therapy center!

Gandhi beats the kid to death with a thumb tack.

MG: ANY OTHER OBJECTIONS? NO? THEN SOMEONE GET ME A CHEAP HOOKER AND A HAMBURGER, I’M STARVIN’ HERE!

Why, if games really worked like this, then I guess the only possible explanation for Hitler must be that someone stepped into a time machine and gave him the entire Grand Theft Auto collection, ’cause, as we all know, ONLY games could make someone that twisted. Evil simply didn’t exist before games came along…

Brokeback Blood

I was filled a strange, almost painful sense of nostalgia today when I got hit with the double-whammy of being informed that Sylvester Stallone was working on both a Rocky 6 AND Rambo 4 picture. I don’t care how bad either movie is, I want to see them both (Though after watching the trailer for Rocky 6, I have a feeling that Electronic Arts is going to have a field day with next year’s Fight Night iteration, since the whole plot of this movie is “Rocky is inspired to return to the ring after seeing a video game simulation in which his digital counterpart beats the current champion) since they both represent a seminal elements of 80′s pop culture. One proved that sheer stubborness will prevail over physics, while the other proved that as long as you’re American, you can run around shirtless with only two guns and kill a thousand people and/or tanks and helicopters singlehandedly.

It got me to thinking that what I’d really like to see, especially in light of Nicholas Cage’s amazing work in Adaptation is a movie in which Sly portrays both Rambo and Rocky, as they realize that all the nihilistic machismo they evinced in the 80′s was merely a hysterial, testosterone infused denial of their feelings for each other which needed a violent outlet.

In other words, Rocky and Rambo occasionally take vacations out to the mountains where they hang out, freely express their love for each other, and then return to their lives, forced to keep their love a shameful secret that slowly destroys not them, but all the people they damage in an effort to keep it under wraps.

A few choice scenes from the film go thusly:

Ext. Mountains. Day.

Rambo faces Rocky after a passionate hug.

Rambo: [Tearfully] I’m your worst nightmare…

Rocky: ‘CAUSE I CAN’T GET YOU OUTTA’ MY HEART! I WISH I COULD QUIT YOUUUU!

They hug and weep, then eat bananas and popsicles while constantly maintaining eye contact.

Ext. Jungle. Day.

Rambo kills thousands of non-American, non-democratic, non-Christian, non-white people who are holding a girl who adores him prisoner. He frees the girl from her cage as more NA/ND/NC/NW people arrive with guns and applications for American citizenship.

Girl: RAMBO! YOU’VE SAVED ME! I’M SO HAPPY IT’S YOU!

Rambo: [Wistfully] It must be wonderful… to get to be with someone you love, and say it just once… out loud… like that… [Stares off into horizon while horde of soldiers and immigrants descends from the hill]

Girl: RAMBO! MORE OF THOSE GUYS THAT DIDN’T VOTE FOR GEORGE BUSH BECAUSE THEY CAN’T VOTE AND AREN’T EVEN FROM A CIVILIZED DEMOCRATIC SOCIETY ANYWAY!

Rambo: YOU KEEP TAKING ME AWAY FROM THE MOUNTAIN! HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

[A thousand people die]

Int. Boxing Ring.

Rocky is facing off against the scourge of the Middle East Albeatyu Sillay, who previously killed his friend in an exhibition match. While the Albeatyou has been training by consuming the stem cells of Christian babies and having his muscles exposed to gamma radiation twice daily, Rocky has been training jumping off mountains and getting run over by Clydesdale horses set on fire. The two combatants face off for honor and the win.

AS: YOU HAVE NO CHANCE AGAINST ME, FOR MY NON-CHRISTIAN GOD IS ON MY SIDE AND SINCE ALL NON-CHRISTIAN RELIGIONS ARE BASED ON ZEALOUS FANATICISM, AS ALL AMERICANS KNOW, I MUST KILL IN THE NAME OF MY GOD!

Rocky: You can’t beat America!

AS: YOU AND YOUR PITIFUL RAMBO DON’T SCARE M-

Rocky: [In killing fury] DON’T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT JOHN RAMBO, YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT! HUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Rocky punches him and severing his head from his body and embedding it in a satellite dedicated to broadcasting the Cartoon Network to the Netherlands region.

Yet Another Politically Incorrect Heroine

This will make more sense to Singapore readers than Canadian ones without some kind of explanation, so I’ll provide one here.

In South East Asia, one of the cultural cliches commonly held by people in the region is that the people of Philippines are a warm, friendly artistically talented people prone to bouts of revolution, kidnapping and knife fighting 30 on 1. As a result of this rather “dynamic” national lifestyle, quite of them are always trying to get out of the country, resulting in two major stereotypes; the long haired band member playing cover tunes in a hotel, or the maid is two degrees short of slavery, looking after kids, cleaning up the house, shopping for groceries and getting harrassed by her employers who take out the frustrations they have with their own work or relationships on someone who will not complain too much for fear of getting their work permit cancelled.

Thus, I present to you, the tragic, yet heroic story of one very special maid. Her name is Honey Mercado, but evil doers (And mean employers) around the region know her as the

MAID

(Cue steel plate with word “Maid” engraved on it slapping down with accompanying metallic sound effect)

OF

(Cue steel plate with word “Of” engraved on it slapping down with accompanying metallic sound effect)

HONOR

(Cue steel plate with word “Honor” engraved on it slapping down with accompanying metallic sound effect. The entire collection of steel plates bursts into flame. Cue trumpets.)

Yes, Honey Mercado is a girl with a destiny. Having found at an early age that she was the natural genetic equivalent of Bruce Lee in the arts of Arnis (Filipino stick fighting, prounced “Ar-Nees”) and dirty fighting, she fought crime at a very young age, until one day, her mother, now plagued with a fatal disease, begged her to stop her dangerous, not very Good Little Catholic Girl ways and do something more safe and respectable, that would still allow her to send money home. And so Honey, vowing to obey her mother, gave up on the dangerous life of a stick fighting, crotch kicking crime fighter and took up a lowly, but spiritually affirming life as a maid, looking after children, sweeping floors and washing laundry.

UNTIL FATE STEPPED IN ONCE AGAIN…

Though she may deny her destiny, destiny still has its eye on Honey, like a car-jacker staring at an unlocked Bentley. And for all her attempts to lead a simple, humble life, she continually finds her Catholic wholesomeness and humility challenged by the very people she works for.

A typical scenario goes something like this.

Employer: That’s enough, Honey, thank you.

Maid Of Honor: Yes, Mister.

[She leaves. The employer goes over to the book shelf and pulls on a 2000 page hard cover compilation of Curious George, thus activating a secret sliding door in the book shelf that reveals A CAGE FULL OF PRETTY LITTLE WHITE BOYS AND GIRLS!]

Employer: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Now I can continue my evil, EVIL career as a trafficker in caucasian children to desperate parents and commercial directors all throughout South East Asia that want to have their very own Haley Joel Osmett or Natalie Portman circa Leon The Professional! I’M SO EVIL AND CRAFTY, NOTHING CAN STOP ME!

[MOH steps back into the room, thoughtfully providing a snack]

MOH: Mister, would you like some Halo ha- AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Children: I SEE MAID PEOPLE! HELP! HELP US, PLEASE!

Employer: Just pretend you didn’t see anything, Honey, and you’ll get a nice, fat raise, and maybe even Saturday off.

MOH: I CANNOT LET YOU ABUSE THESE POOR CHILDREN! IN THE NAME OF GOD, BRUCE LEE AND JIMI HENDRIX, I WILL DO MY JOB AND CLEAN THIS HOUSE OF ALL ITS FILTH!

[MOH breaks her near by broom in half and proceeds to beat her employer into 12 different shades of blue]

Employer: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?

MOH: CLEANING YOUR HOUSE AND YOUR ACT, CRIMINAL!

It goes without saying that at this point, she loses her job, has to return to the maid agency, and gets reassigned to another employer. This time an opiate manufacturer. However, despite it all, she still manages to get to the Western Union once a month and wire a few dollars back home to mom in the hospital.

The Most Horrible Comic Book Superhero Ever

I had one of those amazingly bad ideas that you know should never, ever do anything with, so I’m going to post it here and be done with it.

Somehow, while discussing that certain monthly event that only women experience that men will never be privy to, it suddenly occurred to me that this was a heroine, a super experience, and a super power that had never been exploited by comic books, which led me to the creation of:

Menstra: It’s That Time Of The Month… FOR JUSTICE!

Menstra’s story begins the way all noble defenders of justice do, with an origin story. Once love child of the 60′s, a delightful but orphaned young woman by the name of Moon Flow finds herself caught out in the rain in the big city. Alone, lost and dejected, she retreats to an abandoned subway tunnel and realizes once she’s high and dry that she has a terrifc case of the cramps on top of her usual menstrual period and goes looking for a bathroom.

She eventually finds an ancient row of stone cubicles dating back to the Greco-Menstro period and goes in, sitting down and realizing that she doesn’t have anything with which to address her problem. As any girl is wont to do, she knocks on the wall to see if anyone is in the stall beside her. She gets an answer…

Mysterious Female Voice: Yes?

Moon Flow: Uh… This is really embarrassing, but…

MFV: Are you in need?

MF: Er… Yeah, I really, really am.

MFV: Then take this.

Under the stall a slim, elegant hand produces what seems to be an ordinary tampon except for the fact that it seems to buzz with palapable electricity and it glows blue. Beggars, however, cannot be choosers, and so Moon Flow gratefully accepts it and uses, which results in a lot of lightning and thunder and when it all clears, she finds herself transformed into a super heroic version of herself. There is a woman bearing an uncanny resemblance to Cate Blanchett stands before her swathed in robes.

MF: Leapin’ Lizards and gosh patootie, who are you and what’s happened to me?!?

MFV: I am the sorceress Periodora! And I bequeath unto you the power of Menstra!

MF: What’s that?

P: When justice cries for redress and the time is right, you shall bleed for justice!

MF: What do you mean?

P: The enchanted tampon I have given you is the ONLY one you will ever need for the rest of your life! When you find that justice must flow and you need the power of Menstra, you have but to pull the string and it shall be yours!

MF: GOLLY!

Fast forward to several months later…

Menstra has made a name for herself as a crime fighter in the city! While on her monthly patrol, she spies some bank robbers!

Menstra: STOP, LAW BREAKERS!

Robber: Aw get lost, ya’ dumb girl!

Menstra: You cannot stop the flow of JUSTICE!

Robber: What are you talking about?

The crowd of on lookers, familiar with this sight, begin to run, or simply to put umbrellas as Menstra stands with her legs further apart.

Robber: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!! OH MY GOD, I’LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, ONLY PLEASE, PLEASE STOP, OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD, I’M TRAUMATIZED! TRAUMATIZED!!

Menstra: The flow of justice will not be denied!

See? I told you it was a horrible idea.

I’m Having A Monition

This was brought on by the observation that a premonition is the experience of predicting or seeing a future event before it has happened, which kind of let to the logical question, “If there’s a PRE-monition, then can there be just plain old monitions?”

I think the answer to this is, yes, yes there are. In our own way, all of us are powerful psychics that are having monitions each and every moment.

With this knowledge now firmly in hand, I realize that we all have a responsibility to use our powerful gifts for the benefit of each other. Witness:

Me: Oh, my GOD!

Wife: What, what is it?

Me: I’m having a powerful monition right now!

Wife: Of what?

Me: I see… I see you! Looking at me, as I… wait, wait… it’s coming to me… yes, looking at me as I talk about having a monition!

Wife: WOW! THAT’S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, HOW CAN YOU BE SO ACCURATE AND PRECISE!?!

Me: It’s a gift. And now I’m having another monition.

Wife: Jeepers, creepers, what is it?

Me: I see… me… talking about having another monition, while you… yes, you listen.

Wife: That’s so amazing.

Me: Ain’t it, though?

Razors Are Getting Too Masculine

A couple of days ago while shopping for groceries with the Wife, I noticed once again that razors put on sale, in particular the Gillette brand, have the most tremendously turbo-charged, super-testosterone injected, hyper masculine names. I mean, we’re talking about a hunk of plastic that holds some sharp steel so you can remove pubic hair on your face. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Something like that hardly deserves the Uber Male moniker “Mach 3 TURBO” Razor or “M3 Power NITRO!” It kind of got me to thinking about the only logical place this kind of aggressive marketing can go…

SCENE:

EXTERIOR. A BATTLEFIELD WITH SOLDIERS, NINJAS AND WRESTLERS ALL ATTACKING EACH OTHER.

A Wrestler stops pummeling a ninja to address the camera.

Wrestler: Hi! I’m a straight, heterosexual male that just happens to love greasing up and touching other men! Because I’m straight and will only touch other men when paid to do so, I only shave with THIS.

[He raises his hand and camera zooms in on THE ANNIHILATOR, a new razor blade]

Wrestler: After shaving my face and armpits with this, I really feel like a REAL MAN! But don’t take my word for it, just ask this guy!

[A flamboyantly dressed hairdresser giggles and steps into frame]

Hairdresser: I was a gay as gay could be until I accidently shaved with the ANNIHILATOR! Now, I’ve decided to study to be a car mechanic, and I’m interested in girls! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go buy some 15 year old t-shirts with rips in them and get a barbecue going! Whoo hoo!

[A bald girl in army fatigues steps up. She holds a picture of what appears to be herself in a stunning evening gown, with lustrous blonde hair]

Bald Girl: I used to be an ordinary, beautiful, vivacious woman who was only interested in finding the right guy, until one morning, after a torrid affair with a rich executive, I needed to shave my legs and only the ANNIHILATOR was around to use! It turned me into a bull dyke lesbian and now I’m only interested in women, I hate dresses, and I’m going to join the army!

Voice Over: Yes, the ANNIHILATOR is the razor so masculine it can actually drastically realter your lifestyle and sexual orientation! Use it at your own risk! That is, unless you’re AFRAID TO BE A REAL MAN!!

Why Superman Is A Goody Two-Shoes

It recent days it has come to light that the upcoming movie Superman Returns will have a brief cameo by Hugh Jackman of X-Men movies fame playing young Pa Kent. Upon reading this bit of news, it immediately set off alarm bells in my head that crossed comic universes, and it dawned on me, with complete certainty, that I had stumbled upon the reason why Clark “Kal-El” Kent would be so abnormally dedicated to playing it as straight as he possibly could; he was a victim of the usual rebellion we all go through where we try to end up nothing like our parents. Witness:

About Truth:

Ma Kent: Honey, where’ve you two been?

Clark “Young Superman” Kent: Dad was busy talking to Mrs. Lang about meeting him for drinks at the-… I don’t feel so good…

[He slumps to the ground as his father pockets the kryptonite he'd put on the back of his neck]

Pa “Wolverine” Kent: Uh… Clark ain’t feeling so good after all that excitement, he touched a girl and all, you know how traumatizing that can be for the boy.

CK: Dad… that’s… a lie…

PK: Sometimes you gotta’ hide the truth from the ones you love.

CK: Can’t… be… right…

About Justice:

PK: C’mon, bub, do it.

CK: But dad, that’s not very sportsman like.

PK: “Sportsman like”? Listen, bub, this ain’t sport, this is huntin’, I’m the best there is at what I do, and what I do ain’t very nice at all.

CK: You’re a farmer.

PK: Shut it, runt, I’m talkin’ here. Now you see that deer? That deer may be fast, might even be too fast for me with my augmented speed and mutant healing factor, but you? Ain’t no way that thing is going to outrun them lasers in your eyes.

CK: YOU’RE SUCH A LOUSE, I HATE YOU!

PK: Yeah, yeah, cry me a river, and pass me that beer.

CK: I’m never going to drink beer like you!

PK: [Burping] Great, more brewskis for me.

About Patriotism:

PK: AMERICA CAN SUCK ON MY BIG, HAIRY, ADAMANTIUM LACED BUTT.

CK: Geez, dad, if you hate this country so much why are you here?!?

PK: Taxes, kid. Back in Canada the taxes are way too high, but these suckers, hell, they’ll always cut you some slack provided you scratch their back. Or impale the back of an undesirable political thorn that needs an adamantium claw running through it. Heh, pigs.

CK: I don’t think that’s right, dad! I think you should have more respect for this country!

PK: CANADA IS BETTER, AND THAT’S FINAL, BUB.

CK: NO! IT’S ALL ABOUT THE AMERICAN WAY, EH?

PK: Oh, shut your yap and hand me that cigar.

CK: I swear to God, I’m never going to smoke and smell like you.

About The Sanctity Of Life:

CK: Oh my GOD, WHAT ARE DOING?!?

PK: Disembowelling someone for fun before slipping into a psychotic, cannibalistic rage and eating their steaming entrails raw, what does it look like?

CK: BUT… WHY?!?

PK: Bub, sometimes people, they just need killing.

CK: What’d he do?

PK: Nothin’, I just didn’t like the look of him.

CK: You can’t just kill people because you feel like it, dad!

PK: Son, this is America, you damn well can. You think you’re still alive at school because you’re a good kid? It’s ’cause you’re BULLET PROOF, that’s why…

CK: Life is sacred and killing is wrong!

PK: You will kill indiscriminantly and you will like it, bub. I raised you to be Weapon Y, and you will do your father proud and become the greatest covert ops mutant assassin that world has ever seen!

CK: NO! I HATE YOU! I’M GOING TO RUN AWAY AND FIGHT FOR COMMON DECENCY AND NOT WEAR A MASK AND DO NICE THINGS FOR PEOPLE, AND DO SOMETHING NOBLE LIKE… LIKE… JOURNALISM! I’LL NEVER BE LIKE YOU!!

PK: FINE, BE THAT WAY! DON’T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN YOU CAN’T GET LAID, YA’ PANSY…

Dramatic Documentaries

It’s getting to the point where I’m absolutely convinced that channels like Discovery and National Geographics are singlehandedly responsible for giving the guys that do voice over work for movie trailers more jobs than they could ever have hoped for.

I’m not imagining this, right?

It seems like ever since Walking With Dinosaurs changed the face of documentaries by adding an element of cinematic drama to the proceedings, docos have been losing more and more substance and credibility and getting more and more “exciting” and “dramatic.”

I kind of reel in horror as I imagine how this new standard of infotainment would have affected the 80′s documentaries when they had no budget and relied on actually being full of ideas and substance to communicate to the audience. For example:

Cosmos:

Carl Sagan: I’m Carl “phasers on obliterate” Sagan and tonight we’re going into space where people DIE without the proper protection. That’s right, it’s the harshet, most dangerous environment known to man, and we’re going to explore its depths to see what happens when you puncture a guy’s space suit and time just how long it takes for explosive decompression to take place. Then, we’ll see how much suffering is experienced when an asteroid, no, a planet killer SMASHES into a world full of innocents! FORGET THE MAJESTY OF THE UNIVERSE, WE’RE HERE TO WATCH PEOPLE DIE! WE’RE TALKING BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF DEATHS!

Any Jacques Cousteau program:

JC: We could ride on the majestic whale shark and take in the awesome profundity that is the vast, teeming environment that is the pacific ocean, or, we can see what happens when a KILLER SHARK TEARS A MAN TO PIECES! REDUCING AN AVERAGE JOE LIKE YOU OR ME INTO SO MUCH QUIVERING, SCREAMING GOO! TONIGHT, ONLY ON JACQUES COUSTEAU’S OCEAN OF DEATH.

Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom with Marlin Perkins:

Marlin Perkins: Here, on the African Veldt, the cycle of hunter and hunted continues, striking a delicate balance between the herbivores and the predators that, cruel as it may seem to us, must necessarily keep the herbivore population in check. That is, until the arrival of my assistant Jim! Jim is about to enter the dangerous world of African predators, with lions that can gore and rip him to shreds in a matter of seconds! They may be fulfilling their role in nature, but more importantly, they’re fulfilling their role for our ratings as you, the viewer at home, watch savage, untamed beasts KILL A MAN BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES IN A BARBARIC DISPLAY OF SPILLED BLOOD AND GRISTLE, ONLY ON MUTUAL OF OMAHA’S KINGDOM OF SLAUGHTER, PAIN AND MASSACRE, WHERE PEOPLE DIE, AND DIE HORRIBLY!